Rude Boyfriend = Anger, Mad & You

Unfortunate take on He said, She said. He just doesn’t believe what she says. Anger dismissed is the new black. Seriously.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My otherwise ok fine relationship with my boyfriend goes south whenever I disagree with him and get angry. I don’t think he takes my temper seriously. I’m not having hissy fits like a child, and I don’t have a loud voice that booms like his and I’m not rude, so it’s a joke to him when I’m mad (and usually don’t agree with) at him. Any suggestions? — High-pitched Whinney

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Dear High-pitched Whinney,

Tell the control freak asshole to kiss your ass and move on with your life. If your opinion does not mean enough to him for him to take you seriously, why are you dating him? He wants a yes man, not a thinking girlfriend.

You must be able to express what you want and believe in in a relationship. It should be safe for you to express who you are. And if your control freak boyfriend doesn’t appreciate that you have valuable thoughts, he doesn’t deserve you. Find someone who sees and appreciates who you are and what you have to contribute to the relationship.

This guy only seems to care about how you help him feel good about himself by rubberstamping his decisions. Pardon my French, but that is bullshit. Kick him to the curb. As my mama always said, “I can do bad all by myself.”

Stand up for you now. Later may be too late.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Dear High-pitched Whinney,

I’m concerned here about what sounds like more than the usual power trip adjusting in a couple working out the day-to-day dynamic. No offense to your relationship, but I want you to stop and consider what its conditions (as in conditional love) mean to your health and wellbeing (self-worth and esteem), and why you are allowing them.

As for your boyfriend, I’m going to go on the assumption that you don’t have anger management issues (which he could conveniently or otherwise interpret as “crying wolf”). Whensomeone important to us doesn’t take a legitimate aspect of our personality and feelings seriously, they are disrespecting who we are as a whole being. As much as you shouldn’t try to “fix” anyone else (taking them on as a challenge or hopeful project), don’t allow someone to try to dismiss or bully your reactions and feelings out of you. You are a sum of these things.

As such, you also have a responsibility (to others but, always, yourself first) to objectively check your emotions and how they are affecting your overall quality of and progress in life. If you really don’t know, or have difficulty being more objective about yourself, ask a professional (contact me for confidence coaching) or trusted friend or peer who models an overall successfully balanced life you’d like to emulate, to help you get some clarity. Then check again to see who needs to take feelings and emotions more seriously in this relationship — this is not a fight about fighting.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T,

BadWitch

==

Image: Erin Coronoa

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

Divvying Up Splitsville

Equal piece of the pie. The spoils of war. Everyone wants theirs. But in the division of property, is winner takes all really the goal in a war of hearts?   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I finally did it!!!! I broke up with my assh*** long term (relationship). Now we’re divvying up property. The fights are starting all over again. Help! — Fractionator

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Dear Fractionator,

It sounds like congratulations are in order for successfully completing one cycle in your lessons. The trick for you two (and individually) is not to repeat the same trial-and-error homework but to repeat the successful outcome — in your case, a mature ending of something that was no longer serving you. Do the same thing with your things. After all, they are only as potent and valuable as you your selves assign and infuse them with. Keep the power you give freely to the things low, especially as to your emotions they represent (i.e., “That CD you bought me on our first date is mine,” but only because you are still attaching the old sentiment of his taking care of you to the plastic disc, etc. Fill in your own actual emotional ties). Set up rules before re-visiting this property division task (involve an impartial third party, if necessary). Agree to divide things fairly by BR and AR dates (Before Relationship and After Relationship), receipts, and/or any other empirical, pragmatic data or reasoning you can agree to.

Lastly, the other grey-area items should be put in the middle of the living room and “auctioned” for (I’m suggesting reasoned (vs. argued in the aggressive sense) for; best rhetoric prevails) in front of a pre-determined, mutually agreed upon impartial third party. All decisions final.

Lighten your spoils to move on fully,

BadWitch

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Dear Fractitioner,

Congratulations on standing up for you! Don’t stop now! Parsing out property is no easy feat!  There will be times that you must lay down a firm boundary and stake your claim and others when you will need to concede. The key to successfully “divvying” up the property will be your own presence with yourself and what you refuse to let go of and what you are ok with handing away.

Before your next “splitting up the goods” meeting, write out a list of property and star those items that you believe will be contentious creators. Decide ahead of time what your best outcome would be. BE FAIR!! Do not decide you need the thing you know your partner wants most. That will only cause more contentious moments. Decide what items you need to move away or be paid for giving away. For backup, create a second list of negotiating items—those items which you know your partner wants, you don’t care about that you can hold back as bargaining chips to negotiate for the pieces you really want.

Remember, in the end you would be better off walking away from a bunch of property littered with negative associations than putting yourself through hell for CDs or an arm chair. You are more important than any store bought item. In the end, you could just ask for a payout for the bulk of items and start fresh.

You have already started the process of taking care of you. Keep going!

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

Addicted to Love: Buffy the Slayer…of Exes

Just as old music videos and TV series hold a fun and retro charm, they’re not reflective entertainment of who you are today. Not toying with people’s hearts, either.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — In college I was engaged to this guy. Then I decided I was way too young to be that serious and broke it off with him as nicely as I knew how, but he was still heartbroken and took a long time to get over me. Well he just showed up again 7 years later, I was stupidly weak, between boyfriends and started it up again. I guess I just felt lonely and this was there, so easy. Now I’ totally regretting this. How do I break up with this nice guy again? —Guilty Feet

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Dear Guilty Feet,

Honey, you need to buy a vowel and solve the puzzle of what you want in relationships — and stop using other people as convenience appliances for your amusement. It’s clear your ex-/current/ex-/current b/f is not like me, because I’d never allow someone to push and pull me as you have him over the years, so it’s very likely he won’t appreciate my answer any more than I expect you will. Yet, I manage to continue. Very simply: you both will benefit from identifying and acknowledging that whatever it was that was so great back in the day is over (developmentally), and if it is not, it’s still not the same warm-fuzzy relationship you had as kids because you’re not the same people today. Seven years completes one cycle of personal growth and living (if nothing else, physically you don’t have the same hair, skin or…heart!). Move on, both of you. This hanging on, fall-back default is not a healthy way to have relationships (for different yet co-dependent reasons of both of you), and hey, Guilty Feet?, you will benefit from working on getting over your need for blind adoration. That will be the best thing you can do for this “nice guy” once and for all.

Time for a new dance,

BadWitch

==

Dear Guilty Feet,

Well, it’s complicated. First thing I’m going to say is, “STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!” You said you would date the guy again, not commit to bearing his children. You tried again, admirable. You had the courage to see if there was something still there. Now you know there is an end date. Don’t blame yourself because this is not a long-term relationship. Take a deep breath and figure out how to let him down easy.

Realize that he may be a nice guy, but don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into staying in the relationship. Verbal abuse and emotional manipulation that make you responsible for his happiness is just not ok.  He is a grown man who must learn to deal with disappointment—whether in relationships, career or other situations. That is life.

Your job is to be sure to be compassionate. You two have a relationship and history, which does not mean that just because your romantic relationship is ending all communications and friendship has to end with it. Be honest and straight-forward and communicate your intent to end the romantic portion of your relationship.

Let him know that he is a good person. Let him know that you do not like disappointing him and that although some of the hurt may be inevitable, there is light at the other side of this juncture. Compassion is king. Here are some tips on how to do the break up thing, but really first forgive yourself for the last time. Doing what is right for you will sometimes leave others with hurt feelings. It is inevitable. You cannot make everyone happy all the time. Forgive yourself, be truthful with him and do what has to be done before the infection of resentment sinks in.

The truth will set you free,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

Dating Chat, Scared Bambi

When easy peasy natural chat reveals attraction and real date interest, deer in headlights syndrome can ensue. Dimming those high beams and safely crossing the road to fun.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — This is a dating question I think. When I meet new guys, I’m really relaxed and friendly and they ask me out because I’m pretty. My problem is I freeze up with the ones I really like when I realize its now a date kind of thing, and not just a chat up about nothing. Giveme some advice on how to relax and not change myself when I’m dating and not just being friends. — Dating Doe

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Dear Dating Doe,

I think you’re onto something subconsciously because I’m not sure this is strictly a dating question, either. Do you feel like you have performance anxiety around other situations you assign importance to, like presentations or public speaking, or maybe tests if you’re still in school? Don’t just blow it off with an easy ‘no’ because your mind is primarily on the dating. Think about it and look for any patterns you may have.

When and if you do identify that you place more value over some situations than similar but less formal others (i.e, you are an A or B student at a subject but test at B- or C level frequently), then you could benefit from learning to let go of perfectionism and start practicing going with the flow and even — gulp! — “failing” a few times. Get the feel for Nike-ing it more often in life, and release yourself from the pressure of reacting like you have to turn in opening night-level Broadway performances all the time. Don’t stall (or reject) yourself when you realize you’re standing in the starting gate. If you feel you are likable and fun when you’re not trying to impress a guy, then try not impressing the next few, and pretend you’re chatting up an old familiar friend. This works equally well for tests, work presentations and public speaking, but you have to practice being yourself. To be comfortable in your own skin, you have to understand before you can own who you are.

Buddha say Relax,

BadWitch

==

Dear Dating Doe,

OMG! That’s so cute!

OK, I totally get it, but why is it you know you are pretty, have a good rapport with guys in general and freak when you like them. Why would you suddenly decide you need to change who you are or act differently just to be liked? Here’s the deal, when you are just feeling friends with a guy you have no issues, right? You feel like you can be yourself and comfortable, because the balance of power feels even.

Now, then you decide you like a guy, seem to shift all the power over to him and then freak yourself out trying to be the kind of girl he will like. WHAT? He already likes you cause you were that cute, confident girls. Be yourself. That is what will attract him to you. But more importantly, take some time to check him out. Does he have what it takes to hang with you? Does he appreciate your sense of humor (key), your quirkiness and your goofy side? Realize that he must. If your relationship is going to make it past the first couple of dates, you have to be honestly yourself with him.

Take a deep breath. Realize he may not be the one, but he has a lot to teach you about being you in relationships. Decide to trust yourself enough to know you have an infinite amount of appeal by just being you. Then make the decision to trust him with seeing the whole you. That is the scary part. You must trust that this guy will see you and remain a gentleman. You must trust that he will not make you feel bad about who you are. But you know what? Even if he does, you are blessed! Because now you know this dude isn’t worth the time of day. You can kick him to the curb and keep rolling.

You have much to offer and by your question, I say at least part of you knows that. Let that part lead in this new world. Challenge yourself to show up for yourself like never before. Let yourself by seen so you can finally feel like you are a fully known quantity in a relationship. It will be freeing. It will be magnificent. It will be you, showing up as you for you.

Mantra: I’m good enough. I’m smart enough and I am awesome just as I am. I will be me for me, so that I can feel comfortable and seen in all my relationships. I will not hide to be liked. I am liked because I am free to be me.

Deep breath. Remember you rock. Now go,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

True Love…? And Other Urban Myths

Our culture loves love. But when love goes wrong, everyone loves to mock (see TMZ), what’s up with that conflict? Is true love the Big Foot of our hearts-land?      — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Does true love even exist? What’s this obsession with Jennifer Aniston’s love life and whether she’s pregnant “yet”? I got kinda depressed when I just read George Lopez is divorcing his wife after 17 years even after she saved his life 5 years ago by giving him a kidney. I know Hollywood people aren’t “real people” but we all see their love lives and I can’t help thinking this is a bad trend for true love. — Jaded Too Young?

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Dear Jaded,

I’m unsure whether “true” love exists, but I positively, definitely love this question! While I have been the lucky recipient of much unconditional love, have had equal luck with relationships of the heart (lasting!) as Solitaire on my iPad (3 minutes average game time!), and know/experienced/given/received a general warm-fuzzy, heart-strengthening love for other humans, animals and the passion of creating, my Inner Judge and Jury are still out deliberating on “romantic love” — which I feel is closest to the question of “true love.” Oh, trust me when I say that I have thoroughly thought about this subject in the absolute most pseudo-intellectual yet achingly earnest ways, and concluded most unscientifically that romantic love historically started out as a political and business transaction, and in our culture’s more recent times morphed into a marketing salve to soothe our empirically solo existences, as much as to sell edible underwear and Valentine’s Day crap. But it certainly is intoxicating.

So don’t look for true love modeling in celebrity pop culture (but, psssst!!, what do you think about the Demi and Ashton affair thing? Ohnohedi’ent!) as any sort of North Star for or barometer of true love — spend more time finding your own ways you can (re-)learn to trust, be open, be in the moment by learning from and leaving behind past hurts, share of yourself with others, and the real sort of love I hear you pining for, will know to begin to find its way to you. …And then you’ll have to learn how to open the door and let it in. …And then, even more work ensues with this business of “true love”…

Speaking of intoxication, while dipping my systems in my latest dopamine and oxytocin cocktail, I’d completely forgotten we’d answered this question of true love in another form last year. And I still agree with myself.

Love ya, mean it!

BadWitch

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Dear Jaded,

Ah, True Love, Soul Mate, Twin Flame—the elusive perfect mate with whom you are perfectly suited and a relationship that requires no work because you are “meant to be.” Yes, Jaded Too Young, part of that is true urban myth.

Relationships require work. Being in relationship with another being means getting to face another human that amplifies and mirrors a host of your own insecurities and issues. It is an opportunity to face those places where you are too scared or can’t trust. It is an opportunity to accept more of who you are and more of who someone else is surrendering judgment and control. It is a lively dance of energy that requires being honest with yourself and the other person—regularly.

Does love exist? Absolutely—but not in some ‘happily ever after’ way. Keeping the flame alive means keeping it interesting, as well as keeping up an interest in the other person’s life and activities. Sadly after a few years and a few kids it is easy to grow apart because interests and activities are no longer aligned, which can happen after a few years of marriage. A relationship in which the only communication is about ToDo Lists and laying out responsibility for tasks is not love or a marriage. If the heart of the caring and communication is gone, not much is left. And in the case of the Lopez marriage, why stay if the heart is no longer there? Just because she saved his life does not mean he is suppose to mortgage that life to exist in a loveless marriage. Both parties have to actively want to be in it for true love to exist.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe in love. I believe in marriages that can last happily for 50-60 years. I’ve seen it. But that takes work by both parties. Sometimes it means admitting where you are wrong. Sometimes it means forgiving. And often it means accepting what is. The downfall in a relationship is trying to change someone else to match your needs. They are who they are and will most likely be some version of that person for the rest of their lives. If that’s a deal breaker now, move on. It’s not love it’s a project.

True love fights, manages every day issues like who’s doing the dishes and struggles to make romance out of another night at home watching TV. It is not all candlelight and private orchestra serenades. It’s work. Work on your part to really show up as all of you: honest, open, loving, compassionate and, yes, vulnerable, as well as powerful and independent. True love is sharing this “life” existence of bills, noise, distraction and responsibilities with another person who gets you. It will probably not resemble the fairytale, but there will be some absolutely magical moments. AND it may not last forever but if you can keep coming back to the foundational friendship, you may be able to find longevity. Enjoy each day as it comes and commune with the someone you love as honestly and compassionately as you can. Love is in the connection, not the drama.

Don’t Stop Believin’,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

Texts, Dating & Making You Wait

I’m updating ‘Sex, Lies & Videotape’ because that women-men connection thing has always been shaky.What’s the dating etiquette around texting, again? If it weren’t for that new toughie, dating would be so much easier. Guys that make you go Hold.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I went on a date with this great guy. I know we shouldn’t have, but we slept together on the first date. Now he only texts me. I like him, what do I do? — Sex Before Texting

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Dear Sex Before Texting,

LOL, this is sadly super common these days. As if dating weren’t hard enough, now the faceless ability to be potentially shady is thrown in the mix. I don’t know if you’re 20 or 50, but who hasn’t experienced being misunderstood in a full email with a good acquaintance, never mind texting a newbie? It’d be easy to say don’t text, but It’s Complicated is closer to useful.

What’s a gal to do? When it comes to dating and all things romantically social, there’s so much conflicting advice out there raging from the throwback Harlequin-leaning The Rules to the more balanced look of Dating For Dummies. I am not endorsing a book I never finished reading (uh, and that’s all three of these titles), but I like the basic truth-telling message of He’s Just Not That Into You . So nach, the way I see it is that the flood of dating titles on book shelves and online reflects the tendency of so many women to spend a whole lot of time thinking about any man (some of that’s natural, some unhealthy). I would like more of us to start thinking more often of ourselves. When you work on knowing yourself, you’ll start to understand your true needs (sex included), and suddenly you’re attracting the situations and people who most tend to support those needs (and values they’re based on), until that day when you start meeting your own most basic (then beyond) needs, instead of giving away that power to a guy who might have only ever been meant to be a good hang out time. Then when some asshole texts you a “Not in mkt 2 buy cow”-equivalent, it’ll be because you’re a live stock trader. And if you’re not, then you can Delete his contact quick style and move on…To your next night out where you will have gained the ability to faster identify his bromancing, man-code abiding, man cave-dwelling brahs, and avoid any behavior (you brought up sex on the first date, and BTW my forte is not moralizing, but do be safe) that doesn’t seem to have worked/be working for you and contributes to being treated in a way you don’t appreciate.

OK now I’m good whew! — yet I know you still like this cool fool. So go ahead and call him, see if he’s more than that. Actually talking will up your chances of better assessing his intentions (with you specifically) and character by how that conversation, or (chronically un-)returned voice mail goes. If you continue to get his VM, I personally wouldn’t call more than once a week and for no more than two weeks before moving on. If your phone chat is (actually; do not make excuses or rationalize on his behalf) a good start, then keep talking and grow the larger convo. Ladies, I love men and hubster knows I’m even friendly with some exes. One of the reasons I’m so partial to them is because they are simple creatures who basically say (and act) what they mean. I’m saying, no need to waste your precious life force endlessly scrutinizing, over-analyzing, hypothesizing and then making bat crap up about “what he really means” — 99% of the time, they just told you, but you have to shut up your mind chatter to fully listen much less hear. Towards getting to “meet your own needs,” date texting-only is a rocky road.

Expect men to actually talk to you, not text — except to confirm dates, plural — so you can have fun as much as cut the thread on the ones that aren’t ready to handle the bright light that is your once-in-a-lifetime uniqueness.

TTYL,

BadWitch

==

(Call me an Old Fogie, but the following advice is intended for those 18 yrs or older. Frankly, if you’re under 18, whether or not to have sex can have a myriad of other consequences I am not getting into here, from reputation and emotional trauma to disease and pregnancy. Doesn’t mean you can’t read it. Just means you should know I am not taking in the factors of high school.)

Dear Texting,

Ah, young love. What is there to do? Stop, reassess where you are and what you want out of this relationship and take back your power!

For starters, what is this “not suppose to”? ‘Kay, true my sexual history has more in common with SATC Samantha Jones, than Sandra Dee, but come on, what year are we living in? You met him. You liked him. Clearly, there was chemistry and you let that take you forward on what I am hoping for you was a fiery, festive good time. Where do you hope to take this relationship? Decide. Then act.

If you are already planning the wedding—STOP! The idea is to get to know someone, not predetermine the course of your relationship. Get to know him, biblically and personally if that is what you want to do. But be clear about what you are hoping/ looking for first. Then act appropriately. If you’re in it for fun, but need some human connection to fuel that (which I think is quite valid considering how women are wired), then text, phone or date should be fine as long as there is real communication afoot.

If you are seeking the future father of your kids, again, STOP!!! Not enough date time to see if there is connection and if he cannot connect as you would like him to, thank him for making that known now. And thank yourself for being clear with what you are looking for —for yourself. Maybe you don’t want to be the first date girl. But you have to know who you are and what you want, not what society has said you should or shouldn’t do.

If you are going along with this text only relationship either some part of you thinks you must acquiesce in order to keep your man—uh, he’s not your man. Yuck. If, however, you are holding onto some rule that he must call you—Gossip Girl dating tips—but you want to actually talk to him, either say it on your next get together or dial the phone. Now, don’t go calling in high emo-mode looking “To Talk.”. If your interest is connecting then call and connect. Laugh, talk, find out about each other’s day. If you are looking for connection beyond the phone, make it by putting yourself (that’s the vulnerable heart/personality not the body) out there.

Personally, as a writer, I love texting. It is like foreplay—all wit and factoids. I get to see if I’m dealing with someone who can spell and understands punctuation. OK, geeking out, but that stuff matters to me. Now, if you are sexting, clearly you are uncomfortable with this physically focused relationship. Stop It! Keep the texts about you the vibrant person, not your boobs or what you’d like to do with them.

I guess what I’m saying is, your boy is still communicating with you. Decide how to use that as a means to connect in a personal way so that you can connect personally with each other—beyond the physical. After all, at this stage of a relationship, that’s all you can really hope for. Getting to know each other and finding connection and joy.

Happy Connecting,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

Cheating Boyfriend, Third Wheel Jealousy

This is IT. GWBW is taking a break all August. Please RSS or EM subscribe now. SEE YOU BACK HERE MON, SEPT 13 — that’s a new date.

Not all coffee and emails are created equally. How to tell if you’re a wronged third wheel or worrying needlessly.      — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Do you two consider coffee and emailing an ex- cheating on a current? My partner says I have nothing to worry about, but an ex- found him at a social and they’ve been chatting ever since, and I seriously think they met for the coffee they kept talking about. I’m trying not to be jealous but he complained about me to this guy! WTF? — Third Wheel

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Dear Third Wheel,

If both of you are under the impression you’re in a committed exclusive relationship at the same time, I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to know, and if your partner treats you as an equal, then you shouldn’t be left out of (the understanding about) this supposedly innocent coffee. I think your instincts are right about the complaining, unless he’s a total gossip (and maybe he is) — why is he seeing this person he’s supposedly done with and whom he still has complaints? Something sounds cheesy in Danish land. Danger, Will Robinson!

Ask and don’t worry about sounding jealous. Being reasonable is being responsible to yourself, Wheelie.

No lumps,

BadWitch

==

Dear Third Wheel,

Don’t put yourself in the outsider looking in position. You are the current and the ex is the ex. First and foremost keep your positioning straight in your head. This is not the time to come off like the jealous mate who’s ready to assume the position of second fiddle. First and foremost believe in you and that no one has the ability to take away what is yours. Remember, if it flies away of its own accord, you can do better.

Now, it could be that the ex is just moving into the realm of friend. I currently have two exes on my Facebook. Of course, there are other exes who did not get friended—despite the messages—because, well, the vibe was not right. Before you hit freak-out that there is an ex on the screen, make sure the vibe has actually crossed into something beyond friendship. Coffee does not necessarily mean the line has been crossed.

Now, how do you know you’ve been complained about? I mean, was this some kind of public wall post (which would have its own comments regarding propriety)? Or have you been peeking in message folders and email? Be sure before you defend reasonable boundaries of your relationship, you are respecting reasonable boundaries of privacy. That being said, I guess I wonder at what was said. Is it a light jab at your cooking or actual complaints about deal breaking issues that are better left out of convos with exes? Either way, if you are uncomfortable with your relationship particulars being on the table for conversation, tell your partner. Honest communication will do best. Of course, if there is some illegal search and seizure involved in the acquisition of this information, be prepared to deal with the backlash.

All I can suggest is honest communication. Speak up where you feel uncomfortable. Ask for what you want. But remember, if you are doing some jealous shrew act rather than the trusting and trustworthy (to not invade privacy) partner, you have more issues to discuss.

If you feel uncomfortable, ask. Ask about the relationship. Ask about the new found friendship, what broke them up and what feels good about friending this person now. Don’t ask like a jealous partner. Ask like an interested partner. “I noticed you friended…” Let your partner know that you are interested by who is let into the Facebook inner circle and why.

I know why my exes are there. One is funny as hell and his day-to-day is more interesting then most peoples super happy incredible moments. The other is brilliant, seriously. He rarely posts but each one makes you think. My guess, is your partner knows why this person is back on the wallposts. Don’t fret in silence. Ask for the whys.

Fret less, know more,

GoodWitch

==

Image: Third Wheel

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Best Relationship, For Love or Money?

A classic question. Difficult for some: love or money? How do you live with your consequences chosen?      — BadWitch

We’ll be gone all August. Please RSS or EM subscribe now

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Love or money?  — Undecided Voter

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Dear Undecided Voter,

Love or money? Which one keeps you warm at night? Sure, money gives you peace of mind—knowing bills are paid. But love has the potential of lifting you up beyond everyday life and drama. Can you tell where I fall on the continuum?

In actuality I would fall in the middle…okay, a little to the Love Left. See money without love—the far right— represents Ebeneezer Scrooge in my mind. The place where money matters more than relationships. Relationships become expendable, the spirit wilts while the wallet thickens.

Too far to the Love Left and it represents the bankrupting of self for love of another. The ungrounded, co-dependant cycle of living for and by outside approval, leaving the self on a shelf with a “For Sale For Love” sign. It is the willingness to ignore the needs of self for the needs of another.

But the middle offers balance. It is the place where the needs of self are balanced with the need to connect with others. Love or money? No. Love and money. Body and soul.  Earthly needs and heavenly aspirations meeting together, in the middle.

Find the And. There really never is an either/or. Don’t pick. Blend.

For love and money,

GoodWitch

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Dear Undecided Voter,

Clearly, there isn’t a universally right or wrong answer to any question, but most especially yours. All depends on your values. Mill over this Love v. Money age old question your way, by assessing what you really want for yourself out of life. [Most people opt for family life, and today it’s unrealistic for most that can happen without making a living of some sort, but here I’m talking about a driving force-sort of  career:] Whether it’s a golden career ladder or warm, loving family life, know yourself first and truly helps you do no wrong…by you.

Knowing what you stand for is only the first step. Next, at what energy, commitment and ambition level will you perform to achieve this dream? If you can’t imagine that energy going to a family, then it looks like career mindedness might be better for you. Vice versa, if you could never imagine spending time and energy on climbing a ladder or asserting your place in the work world, then maybe you are a family-loving homebody. I hope it’s clear to you that there are other choices in this life than family or career, Undecided, but I use these most common choices to help you get to whether Love or Money?

They are related. Knowing whether you can accept money (ostensibly, only) in your family or career life will show you a picture of life like that. Conversely, seeing yourself climbing or establishing your own work ladder, and then having only one or the other choice can be a very eye-opening picture. I’m talking power dynamics. See: Values.

Lastly (this rant also related!), if I’ve said it 100 times, I’ll say it once more here: “Having it all” is a myth, and while it was meant to free and give women more possibilities, buying into it has only served to make more (than the already naturally inclined) women put others first and themselves last (if ever) by only ending up having to do it all — which is hardly the same thing. I believe we “have” what we chose (mindfully or not), and the rest is compromise(d). Prioritize, by knowing yourself and upholding and living out your values, is the best way to less compromise and more content happiness with whatever life you choose and work to accomplish…faster.

Valu(able) & love(able) you,

BadWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Couple Gift Exchange, Tricky to Faux Pas Ridden

When new couples or other political power keg relationships start exchanging gifts, could be time to batten down the hatches. Figuring out what that gift is saying you’re saying, and how much so.      — BadWitch

P.S. We’ll be gone all August. Please RSS or EM subscribe now (options, look >>) so you don’t miss our homecoming!

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’ve been hanging out for two months with a woman I just started calling my girlfriend. Our birthdays happen to be in the same week, so we exchanged presents. Oops. Mine was under $40, and she spent like at least $150. What do think she expects of me? Should I feel guilty? — Less Gifted

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Dear Less Gifted,

Yikes. Sticky one! I find even with the hubster we can still have a difference of opinion about a gift’s “worth” — but by now, ours have everything to do with price (HA!), because we know when we give, we really mean it (having nothing to do with price). But unlike you, with so many anniversaries under our belt, any possible faux pas is not fraught with break up potential, quasi-political sentiment anymore. With your relationship still early in its development, now is the best time to set some boundaries and expectations together. Do I sound like I’ve been married a long time? Maybe, but really I recommend this course of action because I have known people who feel like they have to spend the big bucks to buy relationships and affection they don’t really feel worthy of. So that makes my dry recommendation more about a respectful relationship.

Make sure you are having the same relationship at the same time by chatting out: 1) what you want at this stage of your life from a relationship with her; and 2) set some pricing comfort levels for gifts for your first year (TBD if there is a second year, and so on). If you have this conversation properly and aren’t silly or completely freaked out about having this conversation properly, you two can have a far more stress-a-bit-less time and get back to the fun connection that brought you along to this stage. Gifts aren’t contracts, but budgets and past expectations sure seem like they are. When it comes to the gift giving, make sure to explicitly spell out your budgetary restraints/cheapness or extravagance level (hey!, all are legit, I’m just saying be clear), and that if she lets you work your way up the spending scale, you’re sure your nicer gifts will actually mean that much more to her. Guilt? Personally, I never feel guilty over what others spend or don’t spend on me — that’s their business — mine is to appreciate and accept what is given freely to me.

Nothing is gratis in life,

BadWitch

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Dear Less Gifted,

Price tag is not the defining characteristic of what makes a great, memorable gift and what doesn’t. Sure, if you spent $40 on a towel set (impersonal) yes, she may be pissed. I would be. Hell, my parents or my boss might give the gift of towels. Now, bed sheets with color coordinated lingerie and homemade coupons offering sexual fantasies on request…that’s a gift.

The cost does not out way the thoughtfulness. Thoughtfulness trumps all. I mean, haven’t you seen The Gift of the Magi.

So, your girl spent the bucks on you. You know she’s a keeper. If you feel like your gift was woefully un-thoughtful and likely giving the impression that you don’t care, you need an add-on. What’s an add-on? A special “Our Birthday” surprise. If you’ve got the dough, think weekend at swank hotel with champagne, chocolates and spa treatments. A get-away or holiday to a special bed and breakfast.

If you don’t have that kind of bank, think well-prepared three-course meal with the lingerie and coupons.  I once created a board game (Score!) made a three course meal that finished with a lemon cake topped with rose petals. Didn’t actually have to spend much but time and effort. It remained a highlight of the relationship for ten years.

In other words, show up for her. Thoughtfulness does not just mean pricey. It means, ‘I thought about you, our relationship and what I could give you to enhance your life and make you smile.’

It’s not about guilt, which will do nothing for you, her or your relationship. Was she excited by the gift or did she look disappointed? If she looked disappointed know that the gift is not the sum total of your relationship. It is an indicator, however, so if you indicated slightly less feelings than you really want to, step up and take another swing at it. Cute, romantic and thoughtful are not about the price tag. Why do you think a stuffed animal, roses and a box of heart shaped chocolates made such a claim on Valentine’s Day.

Stop the self-flagellating and do something about it. If you still aren’t sure what to do, call her best friend and ask. You’ll get points from the friend for being thoughtful enough to check in with her to find your girlfriend something special. And, a good word from the friend is like, well, gold.

Give from the heart,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Talk. Safe Sex. Awkward…!

As everyone knows, men looove to share their feelings and talk…sometimes too much. What do they mostly want to talk about? Why, safe sex of course! Another ‘Safety Dance’ we can thank the ’80s for.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — It’s not always easy to bring up the safe sex subject when I’m with a guy…  — Safe and Sorry

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Dear Safe and Sorry,

Sex and feeling sexy is all in the head – literally. Women already know that the brain is the organ where sex starts and the rest is mechanics. Bringing most guys up to speed about the importance of the brain in sex has been a historic challenge for us gals (I’m not discounting safe sex for boys who like boys, but as this question was posed, feels uniquely female to me), but keeping their big head engaged long enough to talk safe sex is a very small window, indeed.

Add to your arsenal!, cultivate another sexual habit: find the place where your safe sex talk makes the most sense for you personally, somewhere between the reuniting greeting, “Hey!” and the thin line after the hot macking session that makes this conversation necessary. Make that point in time Pavlovian for yourself. When X happens, you talk that talk. Period. Without fail (no pun intended but, hey!, a happy side effect on average). Work on your content and personal style and — stick with this until it’s a pattern/habit that you just pull out of your dating tool box like anything else that works for you.

Parents talking to kids about safe sex is another great first step to all this. For already active daters, this was a fabulous article I saw a while back and still absolutely love for its well-roundedness than some on the same topic that I’ve seen in mags for girls. Some of those focus far more on pleasing him (reeeally??) than taking care of you first — the best aphrodisiac that not only can be made playful and hot, it will keep you ultimately “sustainable.”

Safety first,

BadWitch

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Dear Safe and Sorry,

Not easy, but as you value your life—literally—this conversation is a must-have.

Listen, it’s not easy to take control of your sexuality, to express what feels good and what really isn’t working for you. But all these conversations, like the Safe Sex Talk are essentials for a truly freeing, personally affirming sexual experience. Remember, if you are not comfortable, the sex just won’t be very good for you. And if it’s not god for you, it’s not going to be great for him either.

Remember Brigit Jones having that conversation with herself about whether a date required stomach reducing Spanx or “genuinely tiny knickers”? In that same timeframe before your date, power yourself up. The ore you can stand in your power, the more sexy you will be to everyone you have contact with—especially your date. Try the following Power Up exercise and get connected to your sexiest you!

Power Up Exercise

Imagine a yellow/gold ball of light that accumulates in your hand. This is the energy of your free will. Light, sunny and full of its own energy. Rub this energy over your belly—from pubic bone up. As you rub this energy in imagine it sinking into your skin, energizing and updating you sense of free will. Repeat to yourself: “It is my right to decide what I do with my body. It is my body and mine alone. I stand up for myself.” Take your time and repeat this as many times as necessary. Really feel yourself gaining energy and ownership over yourself.

Now imagine a beautiful blue ball of energy in your hands. Rub this all over your throat, chin, mouth and ears. This is the energy of communication. Allow this energy to sink into your skin. Feel the lines of communication with yourself and with others opening and clearing. Repeat to yourself: “ I have the right to speak up for what I need and want. I speak for myself. I speak up for myself.” Take your time and repeat this as many times as necessary. Really feel yourself gaining energy and ownership over your communications.

Now, take a ball of orange energy into your hands. This is the energy of creativity and sexuality. Rub this energy over the lower region of your stomach. See yourself as a sexy, confident person. Imagine the sexy confident celebrities that inspire you. Allow yourself to see those qualities that you admire—sassy speech, devil may care attitude, self-assuredness—float into you through this orange energy. Feel yourself standing straighter, feeling more sexy and more in control of yourself.

Repeat any of these as needed.

Now, all powered up, feeling sexy and confident, get dressed. Look in the mirror and practice your safe sex speech. Maybe it’s just a sentence, “I am really attracted to you, but you should know I only practice safe sex.” Whatever your version of this sentiment, practice it. Own it. Reapply your Power Up energy as needed, so when you say it you feel in your power and ready to express yourself. Then go have fun.

Just remember, people want to date people who are individuals with their own thoughts and ideas. Express those thoughts and ideas. The more you are truly who you are, the sexier you are.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.