Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…
Dear GWBW — This is a dating question I think. When I meet new guys, I’m really relaxed and friendly and they ask me out because I’m pretty. My problem is I freeze up with the ones I really like when I realize its now a date kind of thing, and not just a chat up about nothing. Giveme some advice on how to relax and not change myself when I’m dating and not just being friends. — Dating Doe
Dear Dating Doe,
I think you’re onto something subconsciously because I’m not sure this is strictly a dating question, either. Do you feel like you have performance anxiety around other situations you assign importance to, like presentations or public speaking, or maybe tests if you’re still in school? Don’t just blow it off with an easy ‘no’ because your mind is primarily on the dating. Think about it and look for any patterns you may have.
When and if you do identify that you place more value over some situations than similar but less formal others (i.e, you are an A or B student at a subject but test at B- or C level frequently), then you could benefit from learning to let go of perfectionism and start practicing going with the flow and even — gulp! — “failing” a few times. Get the feel for Nike-ing it more often in life, and release yourself from the pressure of reacting like you have to turn in opening night-level Broadway performances all the time. Don’t stall (or reject) yourself when you realize you’re standing in the starting gate. If you feel you are likable and fun when you’re not trying to impress a guy, then try not impressing the next few, and pretend you’re chatting up an old familiar friend. This works equally well for tests, work presentations and public speaking, but you have to practice being yourself. To be comfortable in your own skin, you have to understand before you can own who you are.
Buddha say Relax,
Dear Dating Doe,
OMG! That’s so cute!
OK, I totally get it, but why is it you know you are pretty, have a good rapport with guys in general and freak when you like them. Why would you suddenly decide you need to change who you are or act differently just to be liked? Here’s the deal, when you are just feeling friends with a guy you have no issues, right? You feel like you can be yourself and comfortable, because the balance of power feels even.
Now, then you decide you like a guy, seem to shift all the power over to him and then freak yourself out trying to be the kind of girl he will like. WHAT? He already likes you cause you were that cute, confident girls. Be yourself. That is what will attract him to you. But more importantly, take some time to check him out. Does he have what it takes to hang with you? Does he appreciate your sense of humor (key), your quirkiness and your goofy side? Realize that he must. If your relationship is going to make it past the first couple of dates, you have to be honestly yourself with him.
Take a deep breath. Realize he may not be the one, but he has a lot to teach you about being you in relationships. Decide to trust yourself enough to know you have an infinite amount of appeal by just being you. Then make the decision to trust him with seeing the whole you. That is the scary part. You must trust that this guy will see you and remain a gentleman. You must trust that he will not make you feel bad about who you are. But you know what? Even if he does, you are blessed! Because now you know this dude isn’t worth the time of day. You can kick him to the curb and keep rolling.
You have much to offer and by your question, I say at least part of you knows that. Let that part lead in this new world. Challenge yourself to show up for yourself like never before. Let yourself by seen so you can finally feel like you are a fully known quantity in a relationship. It will be freeing. It will be magnificent. It will be you, showing up as you for you.
Mantra: I’m good enough. I’m smart enough and I am awesome just as I am. I will be me for me, so that I can feel comfortable and seen in all my relationships. I will not hide to be liked. I am liked because I am free to be me.
Deep breath. Remember you rock. Now go,
Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.
Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: firstname.lastname@example.org.
© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.