Tag Archives: divorce

Divvying Up Splitsville

Equal piece of the pie. The spoils of war. Everyone wants theirs. But in the division of property, is winner takes all really the goal in a war of hearts?   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I finally did it!!!! I broke up with my assh*** long term (relationship). Now we’re divvying up property. The fights are starting all over again. Help! — Fractionator

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Dear Fractionator,

It sounds like congratulations are in order for successfully completing one cycle in your lessons. The trick for you two (and individually) is not to repeat the same trial-and-error homework but to repeat the successful outcome — in your case, a mature ending of something that was no longer serving you. Do the same thing with your things. After all, they are only as potent and valuable as you your selves assign and infuse them with. Keep the power you give freely to the things low, especially as to your emotions they represent (i.e., “That CD you bought me on our first date is mine,” but only because you are still attaching the old sentiment of his taking care of you to the plastic disc, etc. Fill in your own actual emotional ties). Set up rules before re-visiting this property division task (involve an impartial third party, if necessary). Agree to divide things fairly by BR and AR dates (Before Relationship and After Relationship), receipts, and/or any other empirical, pragmatic data or reasoning you can agree to.

Lastly, the other grey-area items should be put in the middle of the living room and “auctioned” for (I’m suggesting reasoned (vs. argued in the aggressive sense) for; best rhetoric prevails) in front of a pre-determined, mutually agreed upon impartial third party. All decisions final.

Lighten your spoils to move on fully,

BadWitch

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Dear Fractitioner,

Congratulations on standing up for you! Don’t stop now! Parsing out property is no easy feat!  There will be times that you must lay down a firm boundary and stake your claim and others when you will need to concede. The key to successfully “divvying” up the property will be your own presence with yourself and what you refuse to let go of and what you are ok with handing away.

Before your next “splitting up the goods” meeting, write out a list of property and star those items that you believe will be contentious creators. Decide ahead of time what your best outcome would be. BE FAIR!! Do not decide you need the thing you know your partner wants most. That will only cause more contentious moments. Decide what items you need to move away or be paid for giving away. For backup, create a second list of negotiating items—those items which you know your partner wants, you don’t care about that you can hold back as bargaining chips to negotiate for the pieces you really want.

Remember, in the end you would be better off walking away from a bunch of property littered with negative associations than putting yourself through hell for CDs or an arm chair. You are more important than any store bought item. In the end, you could just ask for a payout for the bulk of items and start fresh.

You have already started the process of taking care of you. Keep going!

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Power Struggle Couple, “Divorce, My Way!”

Whether in divorce or how to squeeze the toothpaste tube, some people have power struggles not relationships. Relate or struggle, humans do unto others what they first do to themselves. Time to refocus on what’s really important.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’m going through a divorce from my husband who held all the power in our relationship. Of course my lawyer says go for the jugular and my husband wants to be let off the hook. I’m stuck in the middle. How do I finally represent myself well without caving in to anyone else’s wishes but my own? — Underrepresented

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Dear Underrepresented,

If you are not feeling represented it is because you have not been representing yourself—and if you don’t who will. You cannot expect others to stand up for what is best for you, if you are not standing up for what is best for yourself.

Imagine you, your divorce lawyer and your soon-to-be Ex husband are all on a desert island together. There is one piece of chicken left in all your reserves. Your lawyer knows she/he can only expect a portion of the chicken you manage to get for yourself. Your husband wants the entire piece of chicken for himself. Is that fair? No. Stand up and ask for half of that chicken.

I make this silly analogy because for some reason when it is food, we can see what is a fair division of property. However, once we start talking finances, emotions get involved and the fair dividing line is blurred. In this case, stand up for yourself and your rights. Do not be forced into going for the jugular because your attorney is hoping for a bigger slice of chicken. Do what feels fair to you—for you. It is time to learn how to make yourself happy.

You cannot expect your ex- to do what is fair for you. He seems to have based your life together on his needs getting met first. Well, now it is time for you to teach him a lesson about fairness and respect. It does not have to be a battle, but you do have to put your foot down about what you will and will not accept. For you, this is an opportunity to set the tone for the rest of your post-marriage life. You do not need to give in to everyone around you to be loved, respected and appreciated. In fact, if you do cave into everyone else’s wishes without looking out for yourself chances are you will be neither respected or appreciated and being loved for being a push-over…is that love?

Don’t look for someone else to solve the problems of your not being treated fairly. This is your problem first and foremost. Do for you because you deserve it. Remember, every human on the planet deserves the same level of care and respect. But only you can decide to respect yourself. He is not worth more respect and care than you are. There are things you bring to this relationship that he could not and visa versa. So be fair to yourself and him. Put your foot down for your own best interest.

And every time he says something to make you doubt yourself, refer back to this post and the chicken analogy.

Good luck!

GoodWitch

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Dear Underrepresented,

Girl you got to Represent!, is not just a cry from da ‘hood. It’s just true. And not just in your divorce, but always. I’ve said it a million times, here’s a million and one: We teach people how to treat us all the time (it’s not just what you say, it’s what you do). OK, I’m going way out on a Has BadWitch lost her idealistic mind?-limb here. Although I’m talking R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Aretha, this is not a Girl Power pump up, I’m aiming for personal growth and genuine fulfillment for everyone – yo! I suggest that very often, the best way to represent ourselves is to remove the “I” first. Hey I’m BadWitch, so I’m not asking you to go all Polyana during divorce proceedings of all times…keep reading…

3 + 3 = you. Focus on the right things. Retrain your brain and your behavior will follow. Small steps done repeatedly will take you a very, very long distance. Put those three things together then ask yourself these three right focus questions when dealing with others (no matter the scenario):

1)    Does this person have a higher good in mind, or just his own above all else? (your personality need) Beyond every human’s pure survival instinct, does the other person’s personality and action-perspective allow for compromise or flexibility to fair outcome? Know who you’re dealing with, open your eyes.

2)    What do I need here? (your personality need) Then figure out if this need/want conflicts with your life core values. (Re-)align.

3)    What is the best outcome for the highest good? (your spiritual need) Acting with connection (and if you can get there, love) helps YOU meet your human need to grow/evolve, and eventually maybe even contribute beyond yourself that which is your calling or passion.

Run #1 on your lawyer and soon-to-be-ex as they constitute the “other” here. By the time you get done with #3, it’s my hope that the three of you teaming to achieving a fair (to you and hubby both) outcome where genuinely no one is “ripped off” (uncharge the emotional from the financial where the power struggle now lays) will prove to be the best possible way you can represent your best you, UnderGirl.

Notice I first said to ask these questions “no matter the scenario.” You’re an adult and know not all situations are created or weigh equally — I’m helping you find, identify, or remember your true values — then decisions and self-representation become not only second nature, but a skin we wear for all to instantly recognize.

If you practice this re-thinking > retraining your brain > redirecting your behavior, I think you will be surprised that sooner than later you will be asking question three (3) first and the other two will come in more of an intuitive snap for you. Divorce and power struggle will come and go. Then the real work begins as you attract the right and respectful people and situations that will really challenge how much you actually respect yourself and show others how to treat you.

Represent!

BW

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Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.