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Diagnosis: Hypochondriac Roomie

Canary in a coalmine roommate style. When someone’s real or imagined illnesses begin to make you sick.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — How do I deal with a hypochondriac roommate?Sick & Tired

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Dear Sick & Tired,

Diagnosis: oh oh-itis. Talk about a possible head case and a head cold case, living with a hypochondriac. I feel for you, S&T, yet, your simple question poses a lot of variables to respond to here. 1) I’m going to assume you’re starting with a relatively new roommate, or his perceived illness is a new phenom you’re dealing with; 2) Understand that I personally believe in “appropriate involvement” only, your own tolerance may differ; and 3) Consider how long you intend to live with this person (weigh pros-cons of his roomie viability/personality against mutual balance sheet concerns), and how appropriately close or willing you are to get involved personally.

Hypochondria may be attributed to many things, and can affect relationships. Some people are legitimately stressed due to work or school, or family issues, or previous health problems. Ask what recent (or reintroduced) events may be contributing to his base stress level. Or, perhaps he is bored with too much time on his hands and nothing more productive to focus on. Maybe he’s grieving a loss that can be in- or directly attributed to illness in general. He could have a family member (or himself previously) who is experiencing a health problem that might legitimately concern him now or in the future. Ideally through talk and possible medication for depression or anxiety (see a doctor), he can begin to see his behaviors with more objectivity toward addressing and changing those behaviors for his own (not mention yours!) wellbeing.

Show concern, tread lightly, mind your boundaries, and guard your own (mental and physical) health.

Be well,

BadWitch

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Dear Sick & Tired,

Well, I can see how that could be a completely draining scenario. For your sake, set up some boundaries. Your roommates aches and pains should not be the center of your world, nor should her illnesses dictate (beyond reasonable respectful consideration) your actions.

I once had a roommate who would announce her state of mind or physical issues so I would know how to act around her. WTF?! Now I’m suppose to do some co-dependant, victim-focused soft shoe to keep peace in the house? Yeah, that didn’t work out so well, because as sweet and nurturing as I am, I have no tolerance for victim waving flag holders who expect the rest of to take care and coddle them out of pity.

If your roommate is truly sick with some wasting disease that is perhaps yet not fully understood—like fibromyalgia — then the aches and pains may not be “all in the head.” But just be sure the amount of compassion, hand holding and coddling is in balance. Take time for you. Sage your bedroom and personal living space daily. Do the rest of the house at least once a week. If your hypochondriac is irritated by sage smoke, make a mister with water and add lavender and lemon verbena essential oils. Spray that around the rooms of community space to clear old, heavy energy.

Personally, it sounds like too much drama in your living space, so you may want to start the hunt for a more calm and neutral living situation. Home is the place for refreshing, rejuvenating and reenergizing. If your time is busy spent avoiding, ignoring or nurse-maiding your roommate, when does the rejuvenation happen? Beware of situations that sap your energy — especially if you notice a sharp energy decrease just by thinking of yourself in that environment or among certain people.

Keep to your space and choose to help if you want to. If you really don’t want to play nursemaid, don’t. It will only sap your energy and leave you open to a host of opportunistic illnesses.

Be good to you. Find your sanctuary living situation. This one does not sound like it is it.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Job Offer Relocate or Reject & Stay?

When partners can’t agree on one’s job offer that affects both, the job at hand is to choose the best compromise.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My wife has a (lateral) job offer from her firm that necessitates our relocating across the country. We know no one in that state, its job prospects for me are on par with most any other state, we could buy a lot of house there by selling ours here, and we have one preschool child. Here’s the kicker, I want her to pull the trigger more than she seems to want to. She seems satisfied with her work but I think they’re trying to save her job with this offer. I fear she will stay and then get laid off and we need both salaries. We’ve talked and talked but just can’t come to agreement. Suggestions?  Worried Hubby

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Dear Worried Hubby,

Since you say you’ve both talked it through so much, let’s not debate the merits of your wife taking this job as you’d like. Let’s have you two honestly explore your individual fears around both her scenarios: accepting and rejecting the offer.

It sounds simple but I like a good pro/con-type list for such quandries, and especially if I’m in one with someone else. Writing it out will help you two see your own and each other’s underlying fears more clearly and completely, and that allows you both to connect the dots to your actual line items of financial impact, realistic stability of her company/current job,  your age(s) to starting over elsewhere, the tax benefits between your current versus a more inexpensive home, and so much more. I am suggesting this list be developed and written as objectively as possible, and using different color pens will help you see each other’s points all the clearer.

Your primary challenge is not to be right, but to untangle the emotions from this situation, to make the best decision for your family together you know how.

More teamwork, less worry,

BadWitch

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Dear Worried Hubby,

There is more to moving than the bottom line. I get what your concerns are, and they are valid. However, I think you may be overlooking your wife’s concerns.

Yes, you can have more house, but your salary in this new place is not guaranteed. And the amount of that salary will probably be commensurate with the state, as opposed to what you are making now where you are. Also, you will have no support.  That may not seem like much now, but no one to ask for last minute help. No one to invite over for pizza, beer and communing that you know you can let down all your pretenses with and just hang. Babysitters, schools, friends will all have to be vetted again in the hopes of carving out a niche in a community you can really feel at home in. You are ready to make this leap, but my guess is, your wife may not be as ready to be cut adrift in a strange new place.

Perhaps you two can work out how you are both feeling about your options in a couple of lists. One lists is your pro and con list on moving, another is hers. The next list is ideas for making it work if you stay and she gets laid off. Another may be lists of possible job opportunities and starting salaries in the new state. Get a better sense of all the factors. Do you know % of joblessness in the new state vs. where you are? Do you know whether there are more jobs in your wife’s field or yours? Who will have an easier time finding new work?

Both of you should start applying to jobs—she should look where you are now and you should look in this new place. See who starts to get positive feedback. Maybe she finds work where you are now, doesn’t have to give up her community and you two don’t need to incorporate the chaos of moving into your lives. Or maybe you get some great results from your new job search and spark her interest. Seems like you both need more real world research to know what the best choice is.

I know you are worried and looking for the best possible outcome for your family. Trust that your wife is as well. Now, investigate so you can make decisions based on real world opportunities rather than unrealized fears. It’s the best way to put that worry energy to good use and limit regret.

Mantra: We both want what is best for the family. We will not react from fear, but from knowns. If we act together, we can make it through whatever changes are ahead because we are a family.

Happy researching,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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House Remodeling a Home Wrecker

When putting a pretty face on is deconstructionist, you need more foundation work than spackle to hold it together. Building needs strength, not dominance. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My partner and I are remodeling our house. It’s a wreck and I’m seeing how it’s showing the cracks in our relationships too. We started out with the same ideas and now when the contractors are around, there seems to be a power struggle. The most recent one cost us $3000 more than budgeted. Help us! He doesn’t know I’m writing you so don’t publish my name.Seeking One Roof

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Dear Seeking One Roof,

I hope we answer you in time, but remodels never finish on schedule (and, in fact, feel endless), so I’m sure your issues are still standing…!

What a great non-question question. To push your building metaphor, you hit the nail on the head by pointing out your power struggle as the issue. Oh, and money is such an underscore. Privately (not in front of contractors or other workers, most of whom already need aligned management) set some boundaries by mutually assigning tasks to each other’s strengths: design, color, budgeting, architectural details, and managing contractor relationships, to name a very few. No need for redundancy on single projects (or rooms). But if you both feel your strengths are too similar to split up tasks/responsibilities, then do as I said and split “ownership” by rooms. Each of you should be accountable to meet the budgets for your assigned task or room. Also, a weekly progress and accountability meeting will be highly productive to keep you on track and “honest” with each other, as well as yourselves.

Just because this is about your home and personal finances, there’s no reason not to treat this like any other business project and handle items accordingly. If anything, it sounds to me like your personal business will benefit from some professionalism.

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” — J.K. Rowling

BadWitch

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Dear Seeking One Roof,

Who’s causing the power struggle over budget? What I mean is, is your contractor playing you two off each other, pushing buttons for more line items on the job? Or are you two not on the same page about what you actually want the house to look like (read represent) after this remodel?

It sounds like you two need to sit down with an art pad and list of house fixes and go through one by one describing your blue-sky, no limits visions. Allow each one to take it to the farthest reaches of imagination. Write these descriptions out side by side, and then compare. Are you two trying for the same end vision? Now, realize, blue sky is not reality. It is just a chance to see where each of you would be headed if there were no limits, restrictions or financial obstacles.

Now, if you want to create an ode to travel that inspires the urge to pack and explore, while your partner is creating the ultimate lounge spot that inspires burrowing and all the creature comforts that mean you almost never need to leave the house, well, you can see how the visions for the house and the relationship are no longer on the same page. Find out if your big visions are compatible.

If they are compatible, figure out how to express your needs and your partner’s needs in the real 3-D, boundary-driven world we live in. For instance if your partner wants more built in shelving to store sports equipment and you want those same built in shelves to store your bottle collection, see if you can either have two sets of shelves or devise a new way to store sports equipment or a new cabinet for your bottles. Maybe the shelves are split in half between your needs and his.

What I’m saying is, don’t let unbridled growth in what may be two separate directions cause you to split the house in half. Check in with each other on big vision goals and dreams. Realign that vision. Then work out compromises so everybody’s needs are met. When and if the power struggle starts, remind your partner that you are on each other’s team. That you are willing to support you partners dreams, but your must be supported as well. Smooch. Remember why you love each other. Then work it out.

If that doesn’t work, it may be time for couples counseling. Power struggles can led to the end of your relationship if you let it. But remember, it takes two to tango. Doesn’t mean you should just roll over and obey, but it does mean if you refuse to participate your partner will be left to work with you or have a tantrum.

Mantra: A power struggle requires to people pulling in opposite directions. I choose to work with my partner to find solutions. We are one the same team.

Look for the middle way,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Trapped! Horrible Job, No Hope

Life can be hard enough without feeling like you’re cornered with no options to a job you can’t stand. How to stop waiting for rescue and take charge.      — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’m underemployed. I hate my work but feel trapped. Bills and my laid off husband make me feel I have no alternatives again. When’s it my turn? Frustrated  End of Liner

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Dear Frustrated End of Liner,

No doubt about it, these are weird at best, trying times at worst. Personally right now, I don’t know anyone who has or is not undergoing some sort of “trial” at whatever level his/her life (might) need it. I’m saying, I think these are learning times. Other times are doing times. Right now, our broken status quo is in need of a severe and meaningful make-over. Whether we are mostly happy (by nature) or not, the situations, people, circumstances that face each of us today seem, to me, to be laying the foundation of opportunity for some change(s) that are fundamentally different, and hugely paradigm shifting.

Now as for your question, Frustrated, go talk to your husband and make sure he knows in no uncertain terms that you feel trapped with no alternative today because your family (like all of us) has bills. Stuffing is for turkeys, and misdirected anger is passive-aggressive. Make sure you don’t use blaming (of him, timing, circumstances) language, and own your own (frustrated, and the dashed hope ones, too) feelings in this conversation . When you’ve finished expressing your feelings (not to be confused with  actual facts) clearly and non-judgmentally, give him his turn with no interruption. If your marriage is a partnership, I’m sure he is looking for new work and unhappy about this personal or familial situ, too — something in common. You’re in this together. You chose partnership. Let him be your partner in your frustration. Be his champion in his job search. Make individaual and team goals with deadlines for related tasks together. Show your kids what you want them to know “family” means in tough times and in the best times when it’s easy breezy and a no-brainer.

Move the chains,

BadWitch

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Dear Frustrated End of the Liner,

Don’t give up hope! Today’s trials are preparing you for the next turn in the road. Face them with a determination to create a better life and the diligence to work hard for what you want. In the end, you may very well find yourself with opportunities for that better life.

I could write a whole lot more on the subject. After all, I spent three years under-employed, as a single mother, worrying how to make it all happen (rent, clothes, school supplies, and even gas in the car). But I kept trying. I kept looking for opportunities—taking any possible freelance gig that came my way and sending out resumes non-stop. Eventually, my world turned. All my hard work prepared me for a new full time job, a few freelance gigs on the side and, of course, my own business (StillSitting). Now, my task is to decide on priorities and turn away the gigs that do not move me further down my path.

Maybe I showed the Universe through my diligence and willingness that I was ready for the next stage of my life. After all, my diligence led me to the off-hand Facebook post which eventually led to the full time job I have now with the Owning Pink Center, doing what I love with like minded people.

Am I saying everything will work out, guaranteed? No. Am I saying stop worrying? No. I’m saying life will throw you curve balls on a regular basis and it is how you face those hard times that define you. Do your best and the opportunities will come because other people will see you trying. And people always want to help someone trying to help themselves.

Take a little break, plan your path and then jump back in. Your turn is coming.

MANTRA: As I work hard to create the future I want, I show the Universe that I am willing and ready. It is only a matter of time before I succeed.

Good luck and good work,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Working Parents Guilt. Dancing With the Stars and Beyond

No dancing around it. Our society is still conflicted about the role of the “good mother.”    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Ok my circle of friends includes men and women and we can’t agree on the Kate Gosselin on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ thing. Should any primary caregiver spend so much time away from their kids?   — Dances With Guilt

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Dear Dances With Guilt,

Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis? Kate was working to support her kids via this show, not simply raising her celebrity or party time. Given that, I am not one who subscribes to the notion that what qualifies primary caregivers is only lots of face time with growing, developing kids. Quality counts. Also among primary caregivers’ responsibilities to children, is ensuring their kids’ circle of trustworthy, accountable adult guides/-ance is as wide as (relatively) possible. I don’t believe mommy (or daddy) at home is the only way to raise healthy, happy kids — now or even during Donna Reed daze.

Parenting is individual, but from the viewpoint of a former child whose mother loved working outside of the home, and then alternated having to stay home for a couple years with previously having a nanny, it’s not about the number of hours spent with kids, but consistency and structure of foundation of the family vision/mission— the kind of consistency I’m talking about, from a kids’ point of view, extends to when the parents are home or out of the house. This builds a true Northstar that kids can understand and rely on. Personally, when I think of “mommy at home” my first image is of mine crying out of frustration (no judgments!, she also baked cookies and played with us quite un-conflicted). The consistency and love in our home and family let me know undoubtedly that I was loved and wanted, but also that my mother was frustrated by her bubble with low to no daily adult stimulation. I Got how happy her work fulfillment made her, and how much easier and happier we were as a family unit when those things were in place. I was 6, the same age the Gosselin sextuplets are, I wasn’t confused (and doubt my brother was, either); kids are smart. Yep. Love, and happiness- and esteem-building are the consistency I’m talking about.

Did you ever watch their 5-season reality show (Jon & Kate Plus 8)? That mama ain’t no angel! But I’d love to get your take after your group debates what impact the actions of their “too-famous-to-get-a-job” dad who left them to have his mid-life crisis, then banned the show (the family’s primary income) from being produced without him, might have on their childhood development.

No guilt needed,

BadWitch

UPDATE: Cosmic unintended timing notes – Congratulations Nicole Scherzinger DWTS winner. R.I.P. Gary Coleman.

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Dear Dances with Guilt,

What?! So we have kids and then we’re suppose to hang up our dancing shoes forever? I think that’s how we end up with Texas Cheerleading Moms who live through their kids to a super-unhealthy degree.

As I heard it, she had a dance studio built in her basement, practiced there and then traveled to tape the show. So, is she not suppose to work on her career because she;s needed at home wiping noses? Isn’t that why God created babysitters? After all, how is she suppose to support said kids if she ends up as a reality TV footnote? “*Was married to a putz. Had 8 kids and a short run reality TV show on TLC.”

As a mother, you do not push out a kid, sign the birth certificate and turn in your juju so you can be a capri-wearing-cropped-bobbed-hairdo-having-lunch-box-stuffing mother and nothing else.  Kate Gosselin spoke up, said she wanted to be on Dancing with the Stars She got her chance and worked hard to make the most of her dream. Now people want to judge her for reaching her dream while having the nerve to have kids? Really, if folks spent more time worrying about doing what is necessary to achieve their own dreams, there’d be a lot less hate and envy in the world.

I, too, am a single mom reaching for her dreams. I work full time and have extra curricular activities that do not include my children. However, I am in constant touch with my kids’ teachers, a member of the PTA, a cupcake baker, play date host and easy-listening my door and my arms are always open kind of mom. I believe showing my children the example of a hard-working, loving mom who knows how to multi-task and go after her dreams is one of the most potent gifts I can give my two girls.

Kate may not be the best dancer, but juggling rehearsals, performance and parenthood, I give her a 10!

More Mojo for All,

GoodWitch

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Image: ABC, Adam Larkey

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Money Jealousy, Relationship Killer

Even for some of the most loving couples, money can be the sandpaper that scratches the varnished surface of their bond. Compounding that interest for some folks: when she brings home more ducats. Cancel that pissing contest.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I may be foolish to ask two other modern women this, but how do I deal with my husband’s insecurity of my better paying job and bigger title? Thank god we’re not in the same industry, but I notice he’s accompanying me to my social functions less and less. I am so frustrated at him. I support his success at every turn.Big Girl Pants

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Dear Big Girl Pants,

Imagine my surprise in 2010 when promoting equal progress in relationships has gotten us called post-modern feminist hypocrites, so today I’m talking human nature. In most things in life, I believe we already know everything we need to – but sometimes our low self-esteems but ginormous egos disallow us from paying attention to the inconvenient truths, Al.

There’s more than one answer to your quandary, and which door you should walk through mostly depends on how willing and able you are to be truthful about who you’ve always deep down known (you and) your man to be. Big Girl, none of the self-centered, tunnel vision careerists I was happy and excited to date back in the day — but who I knew just weren’t ready for this jelly!— would or could accept who I have always been in my work and personal life. Not one of them was dumb. The “knowing” I’m talking about isn’t about the intellect. The one who ultimately stuck, is able to deal with the fact that no matter what I do, it’ll always be about improving myself, becoming more and more me, and he’s be a lot happier by not trying to lessen or undermine my focus and zest for life no matter how much more money one of us makes than the other. Happy, secure people want the people they love to be happy and secure, too. To want otherwise in a mature partnership, is a pure energy leak. Anyone can have a robust, loving relationship, but not everyone can handle one (sadly, this encompasses “deserving,” as well). Be truthful with yourselves.

Don’t let anything (especially the most common money) come between you. The goal isn’t to avoid fighting, but fight fairly and productively. Don’t try to change each other. Remind yourselves repeatedly that you’re on the same team. Talk out what makes you each happy and unhappy in life (not just work) and what you expect from each other and yourselves in your life together — and then act on the mutual understanding you come to of what truly, deeply moves you both. Then if you can dovetail your individual motivating passions into making the machine of your relationship move forward and evolve, then…work that!

Can’t buy love,

BadWitch

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Dear Big Girl Pants,

What year is your hubby living in? In this economy that he has a wife who earns a good living should be applauded, not sulked! Money jealousy between two people who are suppose to be playing on the same team is absolutely ridiculous. If you two were on the same baseball team, should he care that you scored more runs or that your team won the game?

This all harkens back to days gone by when women were not allowed to work or own property. Of course, even then smart men knew to be glad for a wife with sizeable income or title that would boost the family—husband, wife and heirs to a chance of better living.

Applaud yourself and never, NEVER, dumb yourself down to be “worthy” of a mate. Reiterate to your husband that you are playing, working and saving for a better future and lifestyle for your family team.  If he is still unable to support, congratulate and thank you for the wonderful job you are doing, you really have to look at what you are getting out of this relationship. Caring, balance, fairness and mutual support are the cornerstones of any good, mutually-beneficial relationship. Self-importance, imbalance, emotional manipulation and power struggles are the shaky, co-dependent basis for toxic relationships that do not help build better, stronger, more loving and evolved humans.

Build a calendar of scheduled events with a tally of how many job-supporting tasks each partner is designated to take each month. Schedule it. Keep track of it. Create a level playing field for mutual support. If your take home is more, make your contribution to the savings more. Use a flat percentage across the board so that it is clear both parties are contributing to the welfare of the family. Then celebrate that your team is winning when so many families are facing foreclosure and bankruptcy. Help him celebrate the wins for the team by structuring communications around the idea of the “team win.”

The practical steps may lead to conversation around the resentment, insecurities or jealousy that is coming up for your husband around the amounts of your paychecks. Listen to him. Recognize he is a human with flaws and help him see he is no less of a man because you make a larger salary. Let him know he is more of a man for putting the greater good of the family “win” as a priority. In the Great Depression many men walked away from their families to start over leaving women and children behind to pick up the pieces. In this Great Recession, it takes a real man to stand with his family and work together to make a better tomorrow. Let him know he’s a Real Man.

Then set the boundaries, make the job-supporting tasks tally and, in the immortal words of Tim Gunn, “Make it work.”

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Pregnant Teen, Virgin

Baby, what you do now is more important. Double trouble for pregnant teens when they’re only worried about getting in more trouble.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My 15 year old honor roll daughter is pregnant, which is shocking enough in our household, but I believe to avoid getting in more trouble she swears to me she’s a virgin. How do I deal with this? Like a Verifier

Happy Passover. Happy Easter, Bunnies.

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Dear Like a Verifier,

Responsibility is the verb to empowerment.

After the initial shock, I assume you want to help and support your daughter to make the best decision(s) for baby and herself. You’re probably right that she is trying to stay out of more trouble, but her denial and seeming refusal to face facts are partially what led her into these circumstances. Messages of authority and morality can be magnified to a developing child’s eyes more or differently than we may intend these elements to positively impact our families or other hierarchies. Additionally and personally, I’d like to suggest you don’t reduce or coddle her as your “little princess” or other diminutivization of her development into an empowered young woman. Help her take more and more responsibility for herself, her choices…her life’s reality she creates. Insist on and encourage an environment of open dialog and –mindedness in all things in your household. If this is a departure for your tribe (even if it’s not!), practice, practice, exemplify, then practice some more.

Tell her outright (and repeat as necessary; this message can never be redundant to a child or adolescent of any culture) in plain and clear language, “I want you to know that whatever you do or think, you can tell me/us. I may not always agree, and you may even get in trouble, but you will never lose my/our love for being truthful and yourself.”

At her age, further the action-consequence lessons by connecting the dots that are obvious to you as an adult (including impact on education, time, future and earnings), then ask her to contemplate and journal it out so she additionally has somewhere private to put all these confusing and likely conflicting feelings she’s experiencing. Let her know she’s not alone in the many meanings of that phrase. Assuming good household health and welfare, your role in her life is one of the influential shapers of her character, and sooner than she realizes, that torch will be solely in her hands. Challenge yourself and family to see if you can assist her to work out what she will need practically as well as emotionally in the next months and years to become the best woman she can be.

Knowledge is power,

BadWitch

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Dear Like a Verifier,

There are a couple of issues here. The first is your daughter’s inability to take responsibility for her actions. Virgin?! So, did you get the whole story of the Angel Gabriel stealing into her room to tell her the good news? Any previous sightings of Jesus in her toast?

How do you deal with this? Lower the boom—hard and fast. Let her know that no one is crazy enough to believe the virgin angle. She’s pregnant. We all know how that happens. It’s scientifically document able. Maybe it was her first time, but she’s no virgin now if she’s pregnant. Lying should come with its own penalties—and these should be severe. Be sure to let her know she is being punished for lying. Let her know that lying on the witness stand brings jail time. So does lying to her parents.  Also let her know you are punishing her so she can grow and learn from it. Taking responsibility for your actions is a sign of maturity.

The next issue is her need to understand the gravity of what she’s taken on. I suggest giving her sex ed homework through her lying punishment confinement. Videos on AIDS, as well as teen sex education videos. Have her write up essays on everything she sees. Ask specific questions about the possible consequences of unprotected sex and the alternative solutions. This is just another step in having your child take responsibility for where she is.

Now, the one thing I haven’t mentioned, but is a distinct possibility is that your child may have been a victim of date rape. If she was passed out dunk or whatever and taken advantage of and really have no memory of losing her virginity. Whether she is lying, delusional or victimized, you should have her see a counselor to discuss what is going on with her emotionally. You would also be well advised to talk to someone yourself, so you can approach this situation with as many tools in your mama bag as possible.

All I can say is, mistakes happen. Yes, this is a big one, but it is what it is. Start from where you are and make the best decisions you can to move forward. I’m also going to suggest you check out stillsitting.net because knowing how to de-stress on the spot will never be more important for you. This is going to be a bumpy ride. Give yourself some good shocks to handle the bumps in the road—for your health and sanity, as well as the good of your family.

Best wishes,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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