As everyone knows, men looove to share their feelings and talk…sometimes too much. What do they mostly want to talk about? Why, safe sex of course! Another ‘Safety Dance’ we can thank the ’80s for. — BadWitch
Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…
Dear GWBW — It’s not always easy to bring up the safe sex subject when I’m with a guy… — Safe and Sorry
Dear Safe and Sorry,
Sex and feeling sexy is all in the head – literally. Women already know that the brain is the organ where sex starts and the rest is mechanics. Bringing most guys up to speed about the importance of the brain in sex has been a historic challenge for us gals (I’m not discounting safe sex for boys who like boys, but as this question was posed, feels uniquely female to me), but keeping their big head engaged long enough to talk safe sex is a very small window, indeed.
Add to your arsenal!, cultivate another sexual habit: find the place where your safe sex talk makes the most sense for you personally, somewhere between the reuniting greeting, “Hey!” and the thin line after the hot macking session that makes this conversation necessary. Make that point in time Pavlovian for yourself. When X happens, you talk that talk. Period. Without fail (no pun intended but, hey!, a happy side effect on average). Work on your content and personal style and — stick with this until it’s a pattern/habit that you just pull out of your dating tool box like anything else that works for you.
Parents talking to kids about safe sex is another great first step to all this. For already active daters, this was a fabulous article I saw a while back and still absolutely love for its well-roundedness than some on the same topic that I’ve seen in mags for girls. Some of those focus far more on pleasing him (reeeally??) than taking care of you first — the best aphrodisiac that not only can be made playful and hot, it will keep you ultimately “sustainable.”
Dear Safe and Sorry,
Not easy, but as you value your life—literally—this conversation is a must-have.
Listen, it’s not easy to take control of your sexuality, to express what feels good and what really isn’t working for you. But all these conversations, like the Safe Sex Talk are essentials for a truly freeing, personally affirming sexual experience. Remember, if you are not comfortable, the sex just won’t be very good for you. And if it’s not god for you, it’s not going to be great for him either.
Remember Brigit Jones having that conversation with herself about whether a date required stomach reducing Spanx or “genuinely tiny knickers”? In that same timeframe before your date, power yourself up. The ore you can stand in your power, the more sexy you will be to everyone you have contact with—especially your date. Try the following Power Up exercise and get connected to your sexiest you!
Power Up Exercise
Imagine a yellow/gold ball of light that accumulates in your hand. This is the energy of your free will. Light, sunny and full of its own energy. Rub this energy over your belly—from pubic bone up. As you rub this energy in imagine it sinking into your skin, energizing and updating you sense of free will. Repeat to yourself: “It is my right to decide what I do with my body. It is my body and mine alone. I stand up for myself.” Take your time and repeat this as many times as necessary. Really feel yourself gaining energy and ownership over yourself.
Now imagine a beautiful blue ball of energy in your hands. Rub this all over your throat, chin, mouth and ears. This is the energy of communication. Allow this energy to sink into your skin. Feel the lines of communication with yourself and with others opening and clearing. Repeat to yourself: “ I have the right to speak up for what I need and want. I speak for myself. I speak up for myself.” Take your time and repeat this as many times as necessary. Really feel yourself gaining energy and ownership over your communications.
Now, take a ball of orange energy into your hands. This is the energy of creativity and sexuality. Rub this energy over the lower region of your stomach. See yourself as a sexy, confident person. Imagine the sexy confident celebrities that inspire you. Allow yourself to see those qualities that you admire—sassy speech, devil may care attitude, self-assuredness—float into you through this orange energy. Feel yourself standing straighter, feeling more sexy and more in control of yourself.
Repeat any of these as needed.
Now, all powered up, feeling sexy and confident, get dressed. Look in the mirror and practice your safe sex speech. Maybe it’s just a sentence, “I am really attracted to you, but you should know I only practice safe sex.” Whatever your version of this sentiment, practice it. Own it. Reapply your Power Up energy as needed, so when you say it you feel in your power and ready to express yourself. Then go have fun.
Just remember, people want to date people who are individuals with their own thoughts and ideas. Express those thoughts and ideas. The more you are truly who you are, the sexier you are.
Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.
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