Tag Archives: guilt

And the Serpent Offers You an iPhone…

stevejobsappleTempting, ain’t it? Don’t you just want to take a juicy bite out of that one? When it comes to buying smart phones or the latest and greatest of any device, just remember they don’t have an app for guilt removal yet.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW — Should I get a smart phone in this economy (like, will I use it for work in this if-y time or is or just another personal toy?) to give me an edge in job world? I’m an inside office worker & don’t travel. Ok, I want a video iPhone, dammit! Help me – I’m serious.  — Phoning It In

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Dear Phoning It In,

You say you’re serious, so I will answer as such. You seem to be asking for permission to make a purchase you are anticipating guilt for. I can also assume from your question, that you have the means (or at least the credit) to accommodate said guilt. I’m co-opting this from a great business author I met (paraphrasing): Guilt is not an emotion but a tool of control, remorse is the emotion.

I love my iPhone unconditionally and can’t wait to upgrade to the latest model. I don’t pretend it helps me with my career — although it’s a strong tool for business utilities more and more every day — but technology is only as good as the hands of the user it’s in. I keep on track with my organization tools, surf and communicate online, play games and do physical training using fun (and useful) apps. No confusion, I remorse-free know why I bought mine: it helps me live like I already do, fun and functionally.

Finally, they call these “smart phones” for a reason. My iPhone is so cool and fun — but mostly easy to use — that I have actually twice forgotten it was a phone (!), too. So use that phrase’s true operative word and decide for yourself WHY you want a smart phone…then PUT the smart in your next phone purchase, darlin’.

Smartly control yourself,

BW

P.S. Guilt runs both ways. If you have money but are feeling guilty to make a luxury purchase, buy the damn thing and keep your guilt to yourself by enjoying it without flaunting it.

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Dear Damn It I’m Serious,

First question is your job seems pretty safe, right? This did not really enter your question, so I have to believe this is the case. Going on this premise I have to ask, “Do you know your budget?” Because, if you know what you can and cannot afford, why are you asking us this question?

If you can afford a shiny, new iPhone and the upgraded contract with the ability to still put something away in savings, then decide if you want one and act accordingly. If you know you are stretching your budget to a place that may have you scrambling paycheck to paycheck, what are you thinking? Have you learned nothing from “this economy?”

I’m a little tired of the phrase, “in this economy.” I know, I know, I have used this same tired phrase too many times. I know some of our choices are affected by this economy, but, really, when are we going to get up out of fetal position at the back of the closet, make the changes we need to make and go on about the process of living?

We will have to spend money to get out of this economy. My comment is spend wisely, so you have something to fall back on (savings), and spend according to your heart and beliefs. If you have a favorite restaurant that you want to see after the economic downturn, be sure to budget in some meals there during these stressful times. If there is a favorite store, bakery, print shop, whatever, help them survive by budgeting in some trips there. We are all facing shrinking profit margins. Spend according to your heart.

Pay yourself first. Then support the businesses you know and love. Remember, you will have to spend money during “this economy” if we are ever going to get out of it. Do you need an iPhone? I don’t know? Do you want one? Of course, I think we all do. Should you get one? Well,  my dear, as much as I love answering everyone’s questions, I’m going to say some questions are better answered by you and your budget.

GoodWitch

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Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! –  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Office Smoke Signals — “Can We All Just Get Along?”

ritahayworthSometimes technology isn’t the fastest way to send a message to our co-workers. Sometimes our straight up, plain bad behavior(s) does the trick quite nicely. Now that you’ve quit the bad-for-you, stinky cigarette habit, how can you insist former smokemates stop tempting you to fall off the bandwagon to rejoin their ranks? Is their bad behavior smoke screen for something more smoldering?         – BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW – There is a bullying co-worker who drives me to smoke! I just quit! She tried, she can’t. It’s like she’s baiting me with her overbearing, obnoxious office behavior that she knows stresses me out to make me want to smoke! Help!   – Smoking Mad, Washington, D.C.

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Dear Smoking Mad,

Misery loves company. People with their addictions can do some crazy things. Sometimes even when they want to… Sounds to me like your officemate has more than just an addiction to cigarettes. Let’s call a spade a miserable…um, witch, and deal with the real problem. And there are potentially so many here, where to start? Let’s pick one.

I suspect she’s not just lonely and wanting her BSB (Bestie Smoking Bud) back to be her co-conspirator in her guilt-inducing habit, but rather a fellow miserable soul (maybe to make herself feel better about her failed quitting attempts; her “superiority” to you?). Does she try to coerce or manipulate you and others around issues other than smoking, too? If so, then she may be stressed out in her life (not just workplace) and automatically reacting (read more about Automatic Stress Reaction (ASR) Types) to it the only way she knows how – by manipulating others to serve her own agenda. It seems like she just doesn’t want to lose the comfort of being Queen Bee of her fiefdom, and thereby “losing control” of your indebtedness (or friendship) to her. On the other (and more obvious) hand, the ciggies no doubt add to the calming effect she seeks.

Help her help you by letting her know in no uncertain terms that you have Q-U-I-T. You don’t want to go back, it took a lot of work and willpower, and she needs to respect that you have learned new ways to deal with your stress. Share your simplest quitting tip(s) with her – one that’s portable is ideal, i.e., the patch, exercise (if you started windmilling your arms when she starts in, that could turn her insidious behavior off because it’s crazy enough to pop her out of her shiny bubble and both of you into the present), rubber band snap — whatever you do, share it with Ms. Manipulate, and you might help her clear the smoke and start dealing more constructively with both her addictions as they concern you. Just stay committed to your cigarette strike and your freedom from her “power” over you.

Stub it out!

BW

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Dear Up in Smoke,

You are giving your stress-driving co-worker all the power in your relationship. You have given her the power not only to stress you out, but to cause you to go back to smoking. You have no control over her actions in the office, but you certainly should be the last word on your reactions and—your health.

I know quitting smoking is incredibly hard. There is no doubt that if you have not found good substitutes for yourself when you are triggered by anger or overwhelming emotion that you will have an even greater struggle staying on the wagon. I suggest you find new ways to cope with stress when it arises.

Exercise, breathwork and meditation are my first suggestions. Take our De-stress Challenge for free and begin learning new coping skills that will help you move past reaction to balance. The easiest way to stay on the No-Smoking Wagon is to have a substitute that allows you to get past the tough times without needing to light up. Breathwork is extremely helpful with this because you practice new ways to deep breathe for calm, just like you do with a cigarette. For some, they only deep breathe when they are smoking. Follow along with our audio files and learn how to get air into the deepest reaches of your lungs. You’ll feel more relaxed and you won’t even have to leave the office to do it.

Remember, you cannot control anyone else’s actions, nor can they control yours. It is up to you to decide to stay strong or cave in because now you can justify that it is someone else’s fault. If you know this co-worker is a stressor, prepare for that. Learn to laugh it off—“so-and-so is always so predictable.” Or “Well, she’s consistent” and go on with your day. When she ceases to get such a rise out of you, her targeted stress attacks will become less frequent. After all, if this co-worker gets no reaction from you or a less satisfying reaction from you, the thrill will be gone. The stressor will look for another target, because you just won’t be as fun.

Remember, in the end, it is up to you. Even if she pushes all the right buttons in order, if you decide to light up, it’s on you. You really cannot blame someone else for giving in. Do it for yourself and the one’s who love you. This co-worker is already hurting your health by engendering the stress reaction. Let’s not hasten that health decline by adding toxins. I know it’s hard, but you can do. Give yourself the tools to make your resolve easier. No matter how much we may wish it otherwise, in the end it’s always up to you.

Happy breathing and good luck!

GoodWitch

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Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! –  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Workplace Survivor. Alliances. Strategies. Deceit. Success. …Triumph?

Survivor.logoEveryone knows these are financially tough times. And the fog of such days, can sometimes obscure how emotionally hard things have been for some of us off and on in the past. Allow me to mix and match my metaphors here: If charity starts at home, sometimes it may be a good thing to bring the home into the office.

— BadWitch


Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Help me, GW/BW – So my job is stable and I just got a bonus. I was even able to give all my employees decent raises. But I can’t say that for most of my friends. I remember a time not too long ago when I was the one laid off and many of the ones in question were not particularly helpful or supportive. On the one hand, I feel bad for them and want to cook for them or buy them dinner and a drink. On the other hand, I remember when they were not there for me. A little voice inside is saying Hah! Now the shoe is on the other foot. But the nurturing side in me does want to help. How to reconcile? I think “forgive and forget” is BS… – Survivor’s Guilt, Manhattan Beach, CA

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Dear Survivor,

I get the human urge to want to gloat especially when others have been less than supportive of us in the past, but we’re talking Survivor not Temptation Island here. In this climate of uncertainty and volatility, not so sure it’s your best strategy. So don’t get voted off like a bad player if you want to stick around to play another day, overcome your basest urge(s) and be your biggest person possible. I strongly suspect you have that quality in you more than needing (wanting is a different story) to thumb your nose or lord over others’ misfortune — and that others have seen those higher qualities in you whether you felt the appreciation or not, could very well be likely one of the reasons you’re in your current blessed position. The luxury to think of such dilemmas is your just reward enough, I say. Now, sweet P/T Mama Teresa, don’t stress it and keep your whisking, cocktail swizzling kind-hearted nose to the grindstone — and spread the love and the luck.

Anyone’s karma can be a bitch,

BW

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Dear Employment Survivor,

You have a loving and nurturing heart. It is clear from your question that you are one who naturally thinks of how you can take care of the people in your life—possibly better than yourself.

Guidance we heard early in life (especially from well-meaning parents and teachers) like, “don’t brag,” “don’t get too big for your britches,” and “nobody likes a show-off” has left many otherwise functioning adults feeling guilty for taking care of themselves. We become afraid of embracing our success and congratulating ourselves for a job well done because we see others struggling. We tamper down our joy and think of ways to dole out our rewards so others will not resent us for our success. Now that’s b.s.

If there are people in your life you’ve seen struggling who have been supportive in whatever way they could be to you in the past and you want to brighten their day with lunch or dinner on you, well then, you are acting in the highest good of all. You feel good. They feel good. If, however, you feel called to act out of guilt—pull your hand back. You will be giving away emotional resources you cannot afford to expend.

Giving from the heart pays back exponentially with good feelings, good will and good karma. Giving from guilt depletes you in the same way, leaving you with residuals of shame, worry and self-doubt. This is one sure case where you should pay yourself first.

Recognize, however, this is not the same as holding a grudge. There is a difference between not offering or giving a compassionate and polite, “No.” and dangling a carrot you intend to pull away at the first opportunity out of some sense of revenge. If you are doing the former, I say, BRAVO! For respecting your own emotional boundaries. If, however, you are doing the latter, I can only leave you with the words of James Ray, Philosopher, “Holding unforgiveness against someone else and expecting them to feel pain is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Let it go.

GoodWitch

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Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! –  Personal and group coaching available.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.