Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…
Dear GWBW — I want an unconditional love relationship with my boyfriend. I’m convinced he’s “the one.” We both come from divorced but loving families. You know how they say we become our parents, and end up repeating what we grew up seeing? How do we not repeat our parents’ mistakes in our relationships? — One & Only
Dear One & Only,
Annnd…what does he want? Have you two even discussed your longer view(s), and if so, do you feel mutually about your relationship? Spend some time chatting out your individual back stories. Is one of you successful at not repeating family dysfunction and/or history? Help the other. Share and come up with ideas as to how you two can do it “better” than you may have seen it growing up.
If you and your boyfriend feel mutually that you each are The One, then the only way to break the habits of your families’ worst patterns is to recognize them fully. Be aware vigilantly. Practice diligently. And keep talking (as the relationship evolves, so will the old issues’ impact and your expression of them) about these things (on both sides) frequently together. If your man is the rare one who enjoys doing these things, then he really may be The One…for a lot of us!
Relate consciously, be mindful,
Dear One & Only,
Be aware! Remember that being in an devoted, unconditional relationship means seeing the person as he or she is—not just as a boyfriend or husband.
It is easy when we are in long-term relationships as the holder of social mores. Suddenly he is suppose to act like the typical (read: cookie-cutter romantic comedy suitor), perfect mate. Flowers, candy, never a cross word and great declarations of love are necessary for the relationship to seem steady. Bullshit.
Don’t put the masks of “husband”, “wife”, “boyfriend”, “girlfriend” over the clear view of who you are in relationship with. See the truth. Unconditional means without judgment so you and your partner can be accepted as you are—not as someone else would have you be. Set your boundaries. Talk through disagreements and realize that both of you will have to contribute to the good and the bad times.
If this person is truly your one and only, realize hat there will be no violins or rainbows because you are together. It will be two people ready and aware of persona faults, past history and how to be fully respectful to each other.
You can break the chains of family history, but only through awareness, practice and personal responsibility.
Image: of the Hatfield & McCoy’s children’s reunion
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