Tag Archives: emotions

High Maintenance Girls and Autos

Not talking Cuban smokers here: Sometimes a boyfriend with unclear boundaries is just a stand-in mechanic. Zen and the Art of Girlfriend Mechanics Maintenance.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My girl never does basic maintenance on her car, then when small things go wrong, she gets all up in my grill. She has a mechanic she likes and says she trusts, but I get stuck with all her raging when things go wrong and costs her big bucks. How do I deal with her? I’m not interested in becoming her mechanic OR losing my girlfriend. Auto Affixiation

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Dear Auto Affixiation,

I just heard an important grandpa to grandson line about it being necessary to experiment and fail in order to grow up — but even he wouldn’t tolerate the same childish behavior twice. This is exactly my take on your question: you have a woman who “won’t do basic maintenance” then blames her boyfriend “when things don’t go right” and she has to pay money she could have likely avoided shelling out if she’d taken better care of herself. Hmm. I think there are some other issues going on here that have nothing to do with trains, planes or any other mode of transportation.

Seems like some irresponsible people have to learn by needlessly spending dollars they usually don’t have, and others need to stop trying to save them (money or heroically). Let her drive her car, whether on the road smoothly or into the ground — and you focus on fine tuning your relationship in the real ways you express interest in: with love, RMPs and oil.

Oil & water, baby,

BadWitch

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Dear Auto Affixiation,

So be girlfriend, you mean you are her automatic auto mechanic? Did you know you were signing on to this job? Sounds like there should have been a clear contract that discussed job duties in this relationship.

I would say it looks like it’s time for a really good conversation. Dear girlfriend whom I love, you have to start taking your car to the mechanic and sucking up the cost, except perhaps in emergency because this me as mechanic thing is killing us.

I remember being asked to teach my then boyfriend (now ex-husband) how to work a graphic program and some basic maneuverability with his new Mac. After being grilled every time I offered a thought, suggestion or teaching point, I finally cut him loose. All in all, start to finish on me as his teacher lasted less than 3 hrs. I let him know he would be better served to have a teacher he trusted and a girlfriend who still liked him, which meant she was not his teacher. After less than a minute, he agreed.

Let your girlfriend know the toll it is taking on your relationship. Let her know you would not volunteer to be her go-to mechanic because she does not take care of the vehicle to what you consider a basic level of care to keep other issues from happening. Let her know you love her and are there for her in a pinch, but on the regular she should go to the mechanic she trusts—for the sanctity and longevity of your relationship. Seal it with a kiss and give her the opportunity to either stat taking better care of her car so you can help her or take it regularly to the mechanic she trusts.

Remember to make freely with the love and don’t hold any grudges. This is all about creating a boundary that supports the relationship. No hard feelings and no more mechanic duty.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Putting the Real You Back in Relationships (BW)

Who hasn’t been “fake” in relationships at one point or another in their life? While it “makes sense” that a lot of the in-authenticity practiced in relationships happens in adolescence and 20s when we’re trying to figure it all out, we all know that isn’t the case. Why? A habit set? Not enough confidence? This pattern interests me. Today I’m referring to “relationships” as the fleeting insignificant ones to deep partnerships, the personal and business ones — in other words, all of them. I’m even talking about the times we smile and are nicer than we actually feel to a service worker or other facilitator, just to get on with it.

The state of our relationships reflects who we are at any given time in our development. If we don’t like our relating/relationships with people, perhaps a good look at how we are relating to ourselves is called for. Look at how many times you have lied versus told the truth in the past day, then week. To put an even finer point on it, my wise colleague Marlene Caldes touts the difference between Truth (your quick and unblinking “yes” or “no”) and Honesty (the story and explanations you tell others). So when you run this exercise, I urge you to note the difference (and number of times) you tell a lie, are honest or tell the truth. How can we expect to be real in our relationships if we can’t be with ourselves?

If you find you are more authentic than not in your communications but are still in a few relationships that don’t feel quite right, take the next inventory of your relationships themselves and see which one (or types) could use some tweaking and tuning, and those that are past their Sell By date. Will it be hard or easier to improve your communications and (emotional) truthfulness in some over others (types)? Why? How can you share the most authentic you in all relationships (you know, the ones where you are in the room, car or the other’s mind)? — BadWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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“Friending” With Benefits

I just kept hearing the old Beach Boys song “Be True to Your School” and couldn’t help thinking that was good but incomplete teaching for being true to yourself. Recognizing who your real friends are.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — …I used to be very popular and had a lot of friends. …after that (incident) how do I like myself again? I think after I lost my big relationship I spent all my time and energy on, I lost a lot of friends who maybe weren’t such good friends to begin with. What do you think?  — Unsure Friend

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Dear Unsure Friend,

Ironic. Just last week I replied to a friend’s lament about one-sided friendships with this: “True friendships are born of sacred geometry — the definition of being comprised of more than one side.”

It seems obvious but it’s not. Acquaintances take two. Any two. But “true friends” is not about just any other one, but the special one(s) who undoubtedly have your back and (as you found out) willingly share their heart in life. Having a great number of friends isn’t necessarily synonymous with actually being popular or having real friends. Take a closer look at why you feel attached to being popular. Are you seeking approval, or are you afraid of being alone? There’s much to be said for (as well as grow into) approving of your self, only a tad less to be said of the differences between being “alone” versus “lonely.” As we all get older (and hopefully mature), it’s quite normal for quantity of peeps to drop while — we hope — focusing on the quality of those friendships we choose or manage to keep around us.

Start by being a good friend yourself. You will naturally gravitate towards some things and pull away from others, so do yourself a favor by seeking the company and deepening the true friendship of those who reflect your values and inclinations (including but not limited to hobbies). Here’s our take on office friends, which actually has a lot in common with your full question (abridged for space and confidentiality) of quality friendships.

“Friend” yourself on- and offline,

BadWitch

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Dear Unsure Friend,

Though I cannot speak to “the incident,” but I can tell you nothing that happens in life is “wrong.” Every incident gives you the information and the knowledge that you need to evolve into the being, living the purpose you are meant to live. True, some incidents are less appealing than others, but do not judge yourself so harshly. Learn what you can from the experience and know that you should love yourself through all of life’s highs and lows. You are the only consistent in the equation.

Realize that you have you. I cannot speak to whether the end of these friendships was caused by some betrayal on your part or truly shallow people judging you by the candy on your arm. If it is the latter, I must speak to the women who pretended to be friends when you were with Mr. Popular. ”Wake up, people!” When will women stop judging women by the men they are romantically linked to. Sure, we all want the good looking, successful, financially blessed guy. Does this mean we are so petty that we can’t appreciate when someone else is is dating that guy? It is our jealousy that poisons our own ability to attract and keep loving, good looking, successful guys in our lives.

If backstabbing friends are the reason for your current state of loneliness, realize that you have been given the gift of clear sight. The people in your life who deserve to stay in your life act like they give a shit. Friends check in on one another and genuinely hope and wish for joys for the other. Friends help out whether it’s a ride to the airport, a shoulder to cry on or a show of solidarity in times of struggle. Find new friends. Start by befriending yourself.

If you are shamed because your actions led to the end of your relationship and may have caused friends to side with your ex, leaving you alone, then this lesson becomes all the more pressing. You put all your energy outside of yourself. Successful relationships are two whole people who are living their lives to their best who come together to make great individuals lives even better through the association. Real relationship is not some 50’s version of MaryTyler Moore staying home looking cute and supporting her man. It’s getting out there to do it for yourself. Living fully and enjoying your relationships.

The best way to do that? Self-care. Learn to love yourself. Now that you’ve got more time to focus on you, do it. Find out what makes you happy. Do you need art, sports, reading time? Do you need to reevaluate why you pick the guys and friends you pick and what qualities would better serve you? Do you need to develop your sense of self to reestablish a feeling of confidence? You can find that self-assurance without hanging off anybody’s arm.

Every difficult situation offers the blessing of lessons that can help us learn how to be better people, how to be better at this life/relationship/friends thing and how to be better people for ourselves. If you got a lesson this life changing, take the ride. Once you’ve learned your lesson, there are even bigger rewards waiting on the other side. Trust me. I just graduated to a new level of  Life School and though the lessons can be hard as hell to breathe through, the rewards for doing the work get better and better.

Happy discovery,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Gratitude: Lots of Thanks (inspiration)

Hoping your Thanksgiving was lovely, warm and delish. — BadWitch

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” ~ William Arthur Ward

“When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears.” ~ Anthony Robbins

“He who can give thanks for little will always find he has enough.” ~ Unknown

“Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.” ~ James A. Lovell

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Gratitude: “Thank You Very Much” (GW)

For some reason this year, starting just before Halloween, we seemed to be on some mad rush to Christmas — the season of the “GIMME!!!” Yes, I understand the economy needs to see some serious spending from us and, yes, Mercury retrogrades starting Black Friday, so from an astrological stand point, major purchases should be avoided. However, skipping the appreciation for the Season of Thanks, says volumes more about our lack or appreciation for all we currently have.

Thanksgiving is the time to reflect on all that we are grateful for. Why is this important? Because it allows us to take a moment in the present to take stock of all we have created in our lives. It is a time of taking stock of what really works in our lives — a chance to focus on what is right. This builds optimism! This builds personal appreciation! Gratitude is a foundational building block to happiness.

So before you rush to look at your life to see what is missing so you can put it on your Christmas Wish List, take a moment to breathe. Be grateful for strong lungs that can take in and process air without strain or pain. Not everyone is so fortunate. Take a moment to reflect on those you have had the pleasure and good fortune to love and those who love you. Give good fortune for the eyes to read these simple words and the brain capacity to understand it. Give thanks because no matter the challenges in your life, you are alive and that means you have the blessing of another day to make a new start.

Namaste — GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Gratitude: “Thanks a Lot!” Gracious or Ungracious? (BW)

Calling all Negative Nellies! Let’s tawk gracias, danka, merci. This week our entire nation stops everything, supposedly, to give thanks. Yet I’ve recently heard it sarcastically being referred to as The Season of Dysfunction (which, FYI, all families aren’t) — so will your specific brand of gratitude be genuine or adding to the dysfunction at a food table near you? A wise woman once told me that it is the mark of a small person who doesn’t (or can’t) say “Thank you,” and “Sorry.” Given that, this not a trick but certainly a tricky question: Is it easy or difficult for you to say “Thank you!” when and only when you mean it?

If gratitude is generally difficult for you to recognize or feel, I’m guessing it’s hard for you to take a (genuine) compliment or genuinely say thank you, in return. If this is you, stop, then start to grudgingly list whatever you feel, eh!, pretty good about: 1) your fuzzy high maintenance pets; 2) OK not horrible weather; 3) pretty good health; 4) old but running car; 5) boring job that pays the bills. Next, notice how those things make you feel: 1) being needed; 2) feeling less put out; 3) superiority that you’re not as sick as some; 4) lucky because of mobility; 5) good to be able to cover your basic needs. Lastly, give up some warm fuzzies for the next, higher level of that gratitude, you know, the stuff that’s even bigger than you — I am grateful for: 1) (pet) unconditional love in my life; 2) (weather) elevates my mood; 3) (health) being able-bodied is freedom and true wealth; 4) (car) any and all working transportation makes life easier and that’s more enjoyable; 5) (job) safety and some sanity makes me lucky!

Your BadWitch is an eternally optimistic non-Pollyana — I’m a fervent believer in the middle way. You can be grateful and say Thank you!, without being a sappy, vulnerable, or otherwise weak target. You know how great it makes you feel when someone thanks or acknowledges you — babycakes, when you give more, you get more. Gratitude is simply good for your health and wellbeing. Do it for you. No! Thank you.

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Giving Thanks for Life’s Major Disappointments

How do we get over losing something that has represented our life’s pinnacle?Learning lessons and beginning to turn the juice back on.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — How do I deal with not getting something I’ve been working towards all my adult life? That’s almost 15 years of working on this goal, focusing on making it happen and now I find my dream is gone (it’s not a job or a relationship). All that time and energy wasted. Any thoughts on getting my “juicy” back as you call it? I’m angry, sad, low energy, all of it. — Unplugged

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Dear Unplugged,

Disappointment is an unleashed bitch. Managing our expectations is a typical (avoidance) response and has its place, but it’s disappointment’s lesson task mistress aspect that we should run towards, embrace and be grateful for. In other words: Opportunity! Drill down truthfully to see what you are actually feeling embittered about — it’s not usually The Thing — is it the “time wasted,” or the “recognition not given,” or “unrewarded hard work.” Look for the lessons. What of this situation has you most hopped up and hot under the collar? You also describe suffering from the low energy of depression. What part of this makes you feel that way automatically when you merely hear the word? Your core lesson about this major life disappointment lies within it, if it doesn’t outright go by that label.

Embrace what your true disappointment really says about who you are today. Learn so you don’t have to repeat the same old theme lessons, different day, Groundhog Day, but rather build the strength of learning to move on!, self-promote…to the next new disappointment or “problem.” That’s how life actually lived actually works, Unplugged.

Thankfully we’re all students,

BadWitch

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Dear Unplugged,

Coping with disappointment is one of the hardest and most consistent issues humans must learn to deal with in this 3-D existence.

I am sorry that you have found your dream is gone, but that is just the very specific outcome of the dream you wanted. Sometimes the Universe has bigger things in store for you. For example, perhaps a woman has always dreamed of being a famous actress. She sees herself winning awards and receiving huge acclaim for her acting abilities. This is her dream. She works hard for this dream, taking acting lessons, moving to a city that has more opportunities and going to countless auditions thinking each one could be her lucky break. But her lucky break never comes. She feels her dream is lost.

In order to make a living for herself she begins teaching her own acting classes. Her style is unique and she develops a large following. She trains countless actors who go on to define a generation. She has trained the celebrated, the acclaimed and the award-winners.

Did she really lose her dream or was the Universe’s dream bigger?

In your case, you have put time and effort into your dream. What have you learned in the process? Who have you met, befriended  and loved during your journey?

We cannot know where our destiny lies. We can only know the road we have traveled and the gifts we have been given along the way. It is true that you requested the gift I the polka dot box with the pink ribbon. Will you refuse to see the other gifts you are given? Somewhere beneath the regret and disappointment is the truth of lessons learned and experiences gained. Somewhere, when you focus on the gratitude, you will find a diamond. Perhaps it is wrapped in blue paper with a polka dot ribbon.

In other words, even as you mourn the loss of your dream, as you wanted it, realize another gift lies just beyond the recrimination and it has been waiting for you all the time. Be grateful for all the little gifts you have found along the way and you’ll start to see the outline of a new dream coming into focus. It may not swell your heart with the passion you felt before, bt it has the capacity to give you great joy—if you let it.

Breathe. Count your blessings. They are more abundant than you are allowing yourself to see.

Gratitude is the attitude of abundance,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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