Category Archives: love

Grudges: Do You Hold Them? (GW)

What’s the point! You hold a grudge, reminding yourself over and over again to release cortisol into your system, send acid churning in your stomach and raise your heart rate and blood pressure through the roof because this person hurt you. At what point is this suppose to actually hurt the other person?

Want to know what can really hurt the other person? Obscurity. Loss of Interest. That’s right, just like I’d tell my child on the playground if another child is not playing nice, walk away. Life is too short for grudges. It only leads o stuck energy, acid reflux and migraines. Juust kick em to the curb and move on. You will be all the happier and wiser for it. — GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Pushy Wannabe Grandma, “Pregnancy Now!”

Tick tock!, she don’t stop. If you wait, will it be too late?  When moms pushes you to make her a granny now.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — As a single woman in her mid thirties, my mother keeps warning me that if I wait even a day longer to have children, she will never be a grandmother. To what extent is this true or untrue? What should I do to ensure that I have the option for motherhood in the future?Pregnant Pause

 

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Dear Pregnant Pause,

Firstly, I can’t think of too many choices in this world more important than whether or not to have children…except maybe when to have them. With all due respect to your mother, she’s already had her time as one, it’s now completely up to you as to if and when to you will become one. Own that fact, exemplify that feeling.

As to when, if you’re healthy, fertile and want a family, make Pros and Cons lists if you need help with more clarity. Obvious considerations include your health, wealth, practical and strategic career accounts (day-to-day childcare options versus your availability to remain work-relevant and competitive), and the often under-considered urges/desires and assumptions/notions you may or may not have about your “family.” Siblings to trusted spiritual leaders may help with this last one.

Future options protection? Here’s one idea if you can swing the finances (I’m sorry I didn’t grab the link when I recently heard about a young woman’s brilliant and controversial plan!). She knows she wants kids ultimately, but not while she’s competing and building her equally important career. She had her own eggs harvested and frozen for IVF when she is ready for motherhood. Dissenting religious beliefs completely respected and aside, I have to tell you that I didn’t understand why this was a “news” story in this day and age, except for suggesting that many people in our society still don’t actually “family plan,” or may have some misunderstandings about the challenging but viable IVF process.

Far more important than making your mother vicariously happy, please make sure you are happy about your own parenting status by deeply researching and considering all the options available to you specifically.

Gestate on that,

BadWitch

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Dear Pregnant Pause,

More and more women are waiting to start a family. This is not the 50’s anymore—where  women marry straight out of high school or go to college to find a husband and then hit fast forward on the family planning.

That being said, age can affect fertility. A woman is born with all the eggs she will have in her life. These eggs age as we do, sometimes forming a hard outer shell, which can keep sperm from penetrating the egg. So what does this mean?

It means that you may have issues getting pregnant without assistance as you start to age past late thirties. However, reproductive endocrinology (yes, the science of test tube babies) has come a long way. Single women, same sex couples and fertility challenged heterosexual couples are making their family dreams a reality through IVF (in-vitro fertilization). In other words, though the science is not fail-proof, success rates show it is a viable option.

So, though your mom is ready for grandkids right this moment, do what is right for you. You can start with a conversation with your OB/GYN and perhaps a consultation with a well-respected reproductive endocrinologist to determine if there are any other issues besides age, which may be a fertility challenge for you.

Sadly, in the world of fertility, age does matter. And, yes, being called “older” at 40 may be one of the more annoying side-effects, but know that you may yet have a child in a few years. I had my first child at 33 and my second at 36. So, apparently my mid-thirties were quite fertile. Does that mean I’m done at 44-not necessarily. Egg donation is also an option, as is adoption. In other words, if you want a family, there are ways and means. Don’t step on the gas now to make someone else happy, because it’s you that have the responsibility for growing a responsible member of society for the following 18 years—at least.

Be happy where you are and know your options and opportunities for the future,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

 

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

 

 

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Ring Ring! Valentine’s Day or Not, Does Size Matter?

Thoughtful boyfriend grapples with question of engagement ring around the finger. — BadWitch

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY, LOVAHS OFF ALL STRIPES!

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I am planning to ask my girlfriend to marry me on Valentine’s Day. I’m a very practical guy and won’t give her the real ring so she can pick the perfect one herself. I love her a lot but she is more materialistic than me. I’m just curious what you gals think about rings. Does size matter? My sister says those big gawdy rocks are so 90’s? What really matters to you girls? Rocky

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Dear Rocky,

As a pragmatic jewelry lovin’ femalista, sounds like I’m a combo of the two of you. As you suspect of your girl, I would want to pick my own ring (after all, gotta live with that decision!), but I can imagine my far more girlie-girl girrlz thinking that your thoughtful engagement scenario was feel incomplete, lacking something, without the old rock to anchor the space fully. Tiffany and other jewelers will “give” you a classic round cut solitaire for the question popping, so you can later bring in your fiancé for her personalized selection (if she wants to). Here’s more practical advice, pick a trade-in ring in the price range you can actually afford to spend ultimately, to manage her expectations up front. This is my absolute No Brainer recommendation, so you can both “be completed.”

Rings, as with all extremely personal jewelry items, are a matter of individual choice, comfort level, age and finances. So while it’s true that my opinion is extremely important to uninterrupted planetary revolution, it doesn’t mean anything to your girlfriend’s preferences. So I’ll just further share that time matters and space is not always contextual: my perfectly beautiful, decent carat-sized custom ring now looks too small to me, but I haven’t gained a pound. Hee.

Congrats and 4-C’s up!,

BadWitch

P.S. As pragmatic as I am, don’t forget to make this special day the smooshy, sexy-crazy-fun experience that best reflects you two! How do you think this fun-loving pragmatism has been married so long?

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Dear Rocky,

Every girl is different. If you haven’t seen the ridiculous rocks dawning newly engaged celebrity fingers, you’ve clearly been avoiding the size-ist leaning of the rich and famous. Heck, Chad Ocho Cinco spent $10,000 on a designer diamond “friendship” ring for his Dancing with the Stars co-star Cheryl Burke.

Now, that said, I don’t think every girl expects a $10,000 diamond ring, but the expected engagement ring cost is 2 months worth of salary. Though not every woman wants a huge rock that is more cocktail ring than everyday wearable, size does matter to some extent. Remember, this ring is a sign of your love, asking her to spend the rest of her life with you. Let’s be clear, now is not the time to send a message that you will be cheap with her for the rest of your life.

Set your budget. Definitely make a trip to Jewelry Exchange or some equivalent that will let you pay less for more diamond. Then shop and enjoy. This is a sign of your love. If it’s in your budget, let your love shine—diamond style!

Congratulations and best wishes for a long life of love,

GoodWitch

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Image: Honey Conversation Heart Ring

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Love = Friendship + Lust. Keeping ALL the Home Fires Burning (inspiration)

“Lust is easy. Love is hard. Like is most important.” ~ Carl Reiner

“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”
~ David Viscott

“Love does not dominate; it cultivates.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Don’t settle for love of this or that, he or she; that is all so, so small. Stubbornly hold out for love itself — beyond everything.” – Bruce Allen, spiritual counselor

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Love = Friendship + Lust. Keeping ALL the home fires burning (GW)

People can get wrapped up in the “suppose to’s” of love. He’s supposed to call. I’m not supposed to have dinner ready when he gets home. She’s supposed to want to spend Sundays watching football with her mate. Hardly.

Love is living in the present moment. Deadlines for proposals and ultimatums do not a happy relationship make. Be yourself. Remember what it is to have fun with each other. Move away from the to-do lists. Re-spark the friendship, the attraction of that unknown quality in your mate that drew you to them in the first place.

Love really does equal friendship and lust. You enjoy laughing with your partner and you enjoy fiddling with your partner then, well, chances are the love you feel will continue to grow and deepen. If either of these qualities become diminished, the attraction diminishes and, frankly, the love stagnates. Once stagnated the day to day “have to’s” and “shoulds” take over.

So take your mate out for a night of comedy and wine or beer. Laugh like you have not laughed in years. Then take them home and fiddle in all those enjoyable ways that produce audible sounds of excitement and pleasure.

Love= Lust + Friendship. It’s not just fun. It’s Fair. — GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Love = Friendship + Lust. Keeping ALL the Home Fires Burning (BW)

I’ve previously shared my views of “true love” as a myth in our love-starved society. But I do believe in love and lasting relationships, and strive to infuse all my real relationships (regardless of length or labels) with the qualities that make for lasting relating. Today I was asked to talk about keeping all the fires burning. I just couldn’t stop thinking that people who ask these questions tend to be seeking “an answer” or a How To patch, but instead get stuck with hearing a lot of idealized Harlequin Romance hooey about how relationships are supposed to be, which usually serves to make them feel even worse. [Read my smooshier view on love  (second link above) and please indulge me here.]

Love that is forged of Friendship + Lust isn’t about the Perfect One, heart-shaped candy or wedding planning gone wild — it takes concentration of steel to actively remember the commitment to it. That sort of love means work. That level of love is deeply satisfying in on-off lukewarm cuddliness to sizzling sexiness, the acceptance of unconditional love and nurturing in the security of buddy-companionship — and simultaneously holds great potential for boredom, situational blindness and eh!, apathy. Repeat beginning of this paragraph.

I’m paraphrasing a recent brilliant Diane Sawyer (married to director Mike Leigh for 21 years) comment, “Every marriage (and lasting relationship) is a foreign land. You may enjoy visiting but not want to live in this foreign land, but it works for its inhabitants.” Couldn’t agree more, and against the common “wisdom” that espouses a One Size ideology of what “works” or not in long relationships. Some individual relationships have more sizzle, romance, friendship, or companionship than others, and if they’re truly working (versus stuffed emotions, lazy habits, or excuse-making refuges to hide from not communicating respectfully, or having sex) for its inhabitants then there’s no “wrong way” to how yours works for you.

Dynamics can be a tricky thing. Remember not to check your baggage, because if you can’t hand carry it, it’s way more crap than you need to bring on this trip. Relationships are comprised of individuals who can always stand improvement, and that’s where to focus how to keep all your own fires burning.

Love that love. — BadWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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Divvying Up Splitsville

Equal piece of the pie. The spoils of war. Everyone wants theirs. But in the division of property, is winner takes all really the goal in a war of hearts?   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I finally did it!!!! I broke up with my assh*** long term (relationship). Now we’re divvying up property. The fights are starting all over again. Help! — Fractionator

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Dear Fractionator,

It sounds like congratulations are in order for successfully completing one cycle in your lessons. The trick for you two (and individually) is not to repeat the same trial-and-error homework but to repeat the successful outcome — in your case, a mature ending of something that was no longer serving you. Do the same thing with your things. After all, they are only as potent and valuable as you your selves assign and infuse them with. Keep the power you give freely to the things low, especially as to your emotions they represent (i.e., “That CD you bought me on our first date is mine,” but only because you are still attaching the old sentiment of his taking care of you to the plastic disc, etc. Fill in your own actual emotional ties). Set up rules before re-visiting this property division task (involve an impartial third party, if necessary). Agree to divide things fairly by BR and AR dates (Before Relationship and After Relationship), receipts, and/or any other empirical, pragmatic data or reasoning you can agree to.

Lastly, the other grey-area items should be put in the middle of the living room and “auctioned” for (I’m suggesting reasoned (vs. argued in the aggressive sense) for; best rhetoric prevails) in front of a pre-determined, mutually agreed upon impartial third party. All decisions final.

Lighten your spoils to move on fully,

BadWitch

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Dear Fractitioner,

Congratulations on standing up for you! Don’t stop now! Parsing out property is no easy feat!  There will be times that you must lay down a firm boundary and stake your claim and others when you will need to concede. The key to successfully “divvying” up the property will be your own presence with yourself and what you refuse to let go of and what you are ok with handing away.

Before your next “splitting up the goods” meeting, write out a list of property and star those items that you believe will be contentious creators. Decide ahead of time what your best outcome would be. BE FAIR!! Do not decide you need the thing you know your partner wants most. That will only cause more contentious moments. Decide what items you need to move away or be paid for giving away. For backup, create a second list of negotiating items—those items which you know your partner wants, you don’t care about that you can hold back as bargaining chips to negotiate for the pieces you really want.

Remember, in the end you would be better off walking away from a bunch of property littered with negative associations than putting yourself through hell for CDs or an arm chair. You are more important than any store bought item. In the end, you could just ask for a payout for the bulk of items and start fresh.

You have already started the process of taking care of you. Keep going!

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. All rights reserved.

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