Old Love Letters Spell New Problem

Oh oh. You found them. Now what? How much stock should you put in your lover’s ex-lover’s love notes? — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My wife and I have been married 4 years. We’re happy, or so I thought. I accidentally (I swear!) found some old love emails she saved from the a*hole ex- who was pretty abusive, and who she broke up with just before we got together. They were together 5 years. Should I be worried she kept them?  — Haunted Hubby

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Dear Haunted Hubby,

Sticky bun, you are already worried. Skip straight to asking her directly about them. First be sure to let her know how you discovered them, so she doesn’t have trust issues of you (!). Yours is a sticky situation but it’s one I wouldn’t let go without discussion because you obviously love her – and your fears and insecurities can only snowball in the darkness of ignorance. I can’t imagine anything worse than smacked by a giant icy ball of hard, cold water I rolled myself.

Whether packrats or remotely sentimental, clutter (of all shapes) people hold onto from an over and done with past usually they deeply mean something to them. Oftentimes something unresolved, or something (or emotion) they’re procrastinating about releasing/letting go of. Whether it be an immature hopefulness for someone’s very sweet words that made them feel so good once, but who clearly proved himself to be untrustworthy and abusive, or whether she erroneously thinks no one will ever love her like that again (good!) but at least she had it once, she need(ed) that. She may be intellectually but not emotionally aware that time is over with for her. This allows something unresolved from her past to affect your present together. Your discussion with her ideally will (eventually; if you open this can, you should expect and  allow for a reasonable process, not instant gratification) uncover what that is, so that you can discern whether it is something your relationship can accommodate, improve, get past…or not. …Or maybe she’s simply really bad at Deleting and organizing her files…do ask, don’t assume.

I applaud your courage. Safe and respectful relationships require it, along with empathy and truth.

Give it your best shot,

BadWitch

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Dear Haunted Hubby,

Well, no one but your wife will ever know for sure. Emails from the past are just that, from the past. Of course, if you find any recent email, this advice would take a very, very different turn. But emails from the past may be nothing more than mementos of where she has been, rather than some longing for bringing it into the present.

My suggestion is to ask about them. Maybe she needs to know that you are feeling uncomfortable about her keeping the old love notes. Let her tell you why she’s kept them. Chances are, either she doesn’t remember they are there or they are reminders of where she has been and where she will never go again. But only she can tell you why she keeps them. And, if do not believe/accept her reasons and feel it is more important for your relationship (and your sanity) that she gets rid of the emails, then ask for that. If she starts to back track or plain refuses to get rid of the email, then, you may have a situation on your hands. But my advice to you is to respect that these old love letters may have more psychological value and less sentimental value for her.

Of course, if you’re accidentally finding these old love letters from her ex-lover is less accidental and more of a lucky strike on an unapproved expedition, you will not be able to clearly ask what is needed, without outing yourself. But, that may be necessary because those haunted thoughts are only going to continue to negatively affect your happy marriage. Seems like the happy marriage already has some ghosts from relationships past. Shine some light on the things left unsaid and put those ghosts to rest once and for all.

Remember, the truth shall set you free. Keep in mind what you have with each other today. Make plans for tomorrow and let the past remain where it belongs—in the past.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

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